WIFE: Don’t embarrass me in front of my boss, he’s colorblind
ME: Duh
[later at party]
ME: [to boss] So when did you learn Colorbraille?
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Since I had to google “exercise” to make sure I spelled it right, I think it’s safe to say I have no idea what to do at the gym.
Ralph thought she had a nerve to scream when she was the one trying to pee on him.
Typos are gonna be the death of me!
Unless pills, cigarettes, alcohol, unprotected sex, meth, bull fighting or Taco Bell kill me first.
“Can I take your order?”
Wait, take it where?
“No, not-”
I haven’t even given you my order yet
“I mean-”
WHERE ARE YOU TAKING MY ORDER
I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.
Saw Satan was trending and was worried that he died…
I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.
[Murder mystery dinner]
ACTOR: The inn keeper was found mutilated in a broom closet.
ME: (from the back of the room) When’s dinner?
– playing “Is it cake? –
Me, chewing plastic: “It’s pretty good, but I wish it was more moist.”
Wife: Honey, I’m upstairs!
*undresses on the run like Superman*
Be right up!
*stands naked in doorway*
Wife: Do you remember…
Pam: Hi
I’m jealous of babies because they don’t know anybody yet
Me: *Asks question on snapchat*
Them: *Answers question on snapchat*
Me: “Wait, what did I ask again?”
If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.
[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.
My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.
Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room
there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them
my grandpa: i used to take 50 cents to the store & come back with a new pair of shoes but u can’t do that today
me: inflation, right?
my grandpa: security cameras
I’ve been introducing myself as Jim The Chosen One ever since I was named milk monitor in grade 6.
I’m sorry…what?
Girl Scouts cookies went from $5 to $6 this year and I refuse to
ok I’ll buy 10 boxes
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
I just saw The Big Sick and now I’m negotiating with my doctor to place me in a medically induced coma and then speed dial my true love.
ME: There’s a dead fly in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: There’s a dead fly in a tiny burning longboat in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: A cricket bard sings his spirit into the next world
WAITER: Yes
ME: My compliments to the chef
I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I’m getting my period
Please lower gas prices, I’m not built for onlyfans
The best thing about lockdown is that we’ve been able to potty train our 3 year old.
No pressure to go anywhere
Can stroll around freely with no underwear
Lots of rewards and stickersAnd the best part is all this applies to our 3 year old too
Don’t be silly! A kid’s name doesn’t affect the type of person they become. Now come and hold my sweet baby Lucifer Charles Manson Hitler.
Detective: Thefts of geese from the local park have continued. Who wants to look at the report?
Me: I’ll take a gander
Detective: *eyes me suspiciously*