People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.
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Stages of gardening:
1. Excitedly gather supplies
2. Start pulling weeds
3. Kneel in nest of ants
4. Get bitten by 40 ants
5. Be done gardening
[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]
A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now
my one true gender
If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?
hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees
Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.
No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.
Of course men used to think women were witches. Women threw some yeast and flour together and “poof” there’s bread. Witches, I tell you.
Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?
Her: Look…I asked you to fix this damn cabinet 3 years ago.
Me: For the record…you did preface it with “When you get a chance…”
After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.
Someday, scientists will capture the energy of eye rolls to produce electricity, and the world will be a cleaner, more sarcastic place.
My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.
Legend of Tarzan 2:
Tarzan meets other primates.
He befriends them all.
He teaches them to fight.
It’s a prequel to Planet of the Apes.
Me: well that didn’t age well
My Mirror:
I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”
My husband said he needs to have sex and now he is mad at me. Apparently, asking ‘with each other’ was the wrong response.
My Chihuahua every time someone knocks on the door
I am in my truest form when the food comes at a restaurant and I side-eye plates, suspicious that everyone got more fries than I did.
My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.
Um how about you continue to live here?
A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses
Who called it a “period tracker” and not a flow chart?
DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog
4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.
I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening
[Justice League HQ]
SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight
MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes
Is there a class for just the karate noises?
*adds Amazon wishlist link to bio*
Me: And now we wait
[2 days later] *nothing*
[1 week later] *still nothing*
[2 weeks later] Kids: Dad, we’re really hungry now
Me: I said, we wait!!!