In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.
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Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.
Me: How would you feel about me dating a guy only 7 years older than you?
My Son, then 18: Depends. What kind of video game system does he own? Will he let me borrow it?
Me:
My Son: Does he own a motorcycle & will he let me drive it?
Me:
My Son: Can I call him “New Dad”?
TSA Officer: Ma’am, you can’t go through security with that much liquid
Me: But I couldn’t find a bathroom
I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.
date: [breaks 3 minute silence] “you dont have to use the chopsticks just to impress me”
me: [trying to pick up my beer] “i can do it”
Fight club but it’s really just me trying to grab air before I fall on the ice.
[robbers outside bank]
When I said get some masks I meant something creepy like wolf masks
“But can’t u feel your pores really opening up?”
“Let’s wake up super early, stand in the freezing cold with mobs of people & harass a cute little groundhog!” ~White people
At soccer today my 5 yo realized one teammate was actually his friend from school. It’s been a month. This is everything you need to know about his attention to detail.
The bartender said I could have a free drink if I stopped saying “that’s what she said” so I said “challenge accepted” and she replied “let’s see how long you keep this up”…and then I paid for my next drink
My husband sending mixed signals like, insisting we reduce our online shopping, but also buying and installing a bigger mailbox that “Holds a lot more.”
Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring
I’m saving my appetite for something pure
No rule against wearing an old Halloween costume to Thanksgiving. Let your racist uncle talk presidential politics with Donkey from Shrek.
My 8 year old son got a Wonka Bar for Christmas. His friend said that he didn’t know they sold them in real life & my son said of course they Oompa loompa doompety doo.
Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?
Yup.
Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.
Ways to contact strangers, from least to most creepy:
1) Text
2) Call
3) Doorbell
4) Urinal Convo
5) Backseat popup
6) Under bed ankle grab
Never understood football. If I wanted to watch people run into each other I would just go to the mall on a Saturday.
“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”
*driving my date to the ER*
I told you my possum doesn’t like direct eye contact. This one is on you.
Negotiator: I need proof of life.
Kidnapper: *motions phone to me* They want confirmation you’re alive.
Me: *sighs* Does it count if I’m dead inside?
Negotiator: Um, this is really embarrassing, but the family changes their mind. Good luck.
i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me
[guy who’s about to invent dates]
*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?
I have a great dad who consistently loved me, taught me and supported me.
That jerk robbed me of a lot of angry tweet material.
One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.
Him: who’s a good boy? Are you a good boy? You’re a good boy aren’t you yes you are
Dog: good god, Gary, how can you still not know?
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?
Prism. It’s a light sentence