Me:I gotta go home. Im bleeding & my computers broken
Boss:looks like u just slammed ur head thru the computer screen
Me:what is this CSI?
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I like being married but not every day.
😆😜😆😜
Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson
The extreme internal pressure from my intelligence is forcing my hair follicles to fall out …. No one believes me
I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found
Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint
Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.
I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.
The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.
*runs away from it all*
*runs back*
*grabs phone charger*
*runs away from it all again*
I just ate an oatmeal raisin cookie so my kid didn’t have to.
He will be reminded of this sacrifice for many decades.
Turning on a guy is like flipping a light switch. Turning on a woman is like wiring that switch & then building a nuclear plant to power it.
This is the one
the one time i draw them and of course it’s a meme
On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.
“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”
#SixWordHorror
What kind of adapter do I need for this outlet?
when i say i like when older men tell me what to do i am talking about yoda and his teachings
What idiot called it a witch hunt and not the War on Seance?
I am like a vampire in that I require a specific and obvious invitation to feel like I’m allowed in your home and also because you will definitely regret said invite
When a guy looks at me, when he’s with a girl, half of me thinks douchebag! Other half hears don’t cha by pussycat dolls playing in my head.
Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life
I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.
Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”
Do people who go ice fishing know you can actually make your own ice?
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want.
Me: I want you to fix the kitchen faucet.
Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”
We installed those slam-proof bumpers on all of our doors. My kids’ fingers are safe, but I have no way of knowing when my wife is mad at me.
[DUI checkpoint]
Cop: I’m gonna need you to follow my finger
Me: As long as it doesn’t tweet inspirational stuff
Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?
Me: I follow my heart…
I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.