My kid: *does something cute*
Me: That’s great, sweetie, now please can you do it again in a cleaner part of the house so I can take a photo?
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It’s been my experience that people seem a lot nicer before we get married
What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.
cop: [pointing at me] he with you?
him: never seen him before
me: [welling up] what the hell Jerry we literally just robbed a bank together
Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife
Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds
My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce
When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.
*tapping DJ on the shoulder* YOU NEVER SAID WHAT TO DO WITH OUR HANDS IF WE DO CARE
My 4 year old nephew once stopped in the middle of soccer game to yell out to his mom that he smelled BBQ.
We are clearly related.
BOSS: You ok?
ME: Yeah, why?
BOSS: You have a sign that says “2 Days Without Being Annoyed”
[maintaining eye contact, I change it to 0]
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: Of course
W: Oh yeah, what did I say?
M: [smoke bomb]
W: I can still see you
M: [Another smoke bomb]
I use a wheelchair. I love it when people ask me if I know one of their friends in a wheelchair, like we’re all in a secret wheelchair club.
It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me
i trust babies a lot because i can throw them pretty far
How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.
Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup
When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.
Went to a Trump rally in New Hampshire this week. Hard to describe the vibe, but “what if the Nazis didn’t care about fitness?” comes close.
*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?
My husband asked for a back scratcher for Father’s Day so apparently my days are numbered
[cool person follows me]
me: ok I gotta bring my A game now it’s only good tweets from here
me 5 mins later: horses r just big dogs ?
2020: Tidepods ‘the sequel’
Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.
Just a reminder that Jingle Bells makes it sound like some grand adventure but a one-horse open sleigh is literally the cheapest sleigh you can get.
Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.
I’m just a girl,
sitting in her car,
wondering what the person I texted
“I’m in the cat” to,
is thinking right now.
*Walks into school*
Simon says give me your Pokemon cards
Ok now close your eyes
*Walks out*
Kids are so dumb I didn’t even say Simon says
Got flagged by airport security because my son had a Magic 8 Ball in his backpack. Two TSA agents debated whether it was ok. My husband said, “If only we had a simple way to answer a yes or no question…” Crickets.
Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.
Ghost: *knocks slowly three times on door*
Me: That’s not the secret knock and if you were *actually* in the Kevin Bacon secret fan club you’d know that