Overheard a woman yelling at her husband for paying more attention to Twitter than to her….Or at least that’s what I think she said to me.
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Just opened a collision repair
shop called “Auto Correct.”
if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it
BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what
My Mexican dad before we went to go see Wakanda Forever: so Namor, it means like “no love?” Is that part of his character?
Me: no dad, that’s just been the character’s name since 1939.
Namor in the movie: so I took that as my name, “Namor,” the child without love!
My dad:
Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
A corn maze, because the only thing worse than trying to get kids to eat vegetables is trying to get them to walk endlessly through vegetables.
when my sister was like 5 she wrote a note to the easter bunny that said “happy easter are you a boy or a girl” and my mom left a typed note that said “sorry i can’t read i’m just a bunny”
My 7 year old was tapping away on my Mac tonight and told me he was writing a book. I think you’ll agree it’s one hell of an opening.
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did
MOM: Where’s your father?
Judas is buying everyone shots.
Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him
Cinderella: I lost another shoe
Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he
I spend a lot of time contemplating the mysteries of life, like why the wall the natives built to keep Kong out had a Kong-sized door in it.
It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.
How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
When you’re going through boxes and cabinets of dishes, 5 curious cats jumping in and out of everything is a rare treat.
Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre
Me: the pancakes were good but I’m full
Brain: it’s possible you’ll never eat again
Me: more pancakes please
When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.
the craziest thing about today’s story where a bear attacked a 12 year old girl jogging in her neighborhood is WHY IS A 12 YEAR OLD JOGGING
I’m ready for Halloween this year
*checks kid’s backpack*
*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*
*zips backpack and walks away*
why this chick look like a soccer player posing for senior pictures
The Queen is so afraid of how the vote will turn out, she put Sam Smith in a boat circling Scotland singing “Stay With Me” into a megaphone.
Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look
*fooling around with husband*
Husband: Is that a piece of cheese in your bra?
Me: If you wanted any, you should have brought your own snacks!
I see stand-up comedy as a stepping stone to television. A few more paid gigs and I’ll be able to afford a television.
Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*
[creation of snakes]
GOD: What happened here?
ANGEL: You said make them armless…
GOD: Harmless!
ANGEL: Ohhh
SNAKE: YOU IDIOTS!
how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me
Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.