Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets
Me: Hold my goat
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it’s called dunkin donuts because hole foods was taken
[after bowling]
Me: that was fun
Date: you whispered “bowling” every time you rolled the ball
Me: it helps me aim
[later in bed]
Me: *whispering* bo-
Her: -no
I’m delighted we’ll soon see a dog again in the White House, but look forward to the day when there will finally be a cat in there. Who’ll then want to be outside the White House, and twenty minutes later, back inside the White House again.
What’s the best martial art to teach a child? Nothing too aggressive; I just want my son to be able to defend himself. He’s 8 months old
My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.
Are they bowling to earn soup or bowling on behalf of soup
<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right
You: My kid loves piano
My kid: *licking the piano keys*
Me: Same
If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
Gave money to a homeless man. A stranger lectured me on how he’s just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol..
Yeah, OK. Like I wasn’t.
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
ME: How was your first day?
MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you
blessings are like coconuts
sometimes you get bonked on the head outta no where, like “what to heck is this furry bonk ball?! I hate it!”
but eventually you learn you can put a tiny umbrella, some rum and a krazy straw in there. now furry bonk ball is friend
Victoria’s Secret supermodels aren’t as impressive if you add shopping bags
“I’d like to purchase some deodorant please.”
“The ball kind?”
“No, for under my arms.”
its a good thing we swallow 8 spiders a year bc if it werent for those spiders, we’d be swalowing hundreds of flies and smaller insects
First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.
Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.
TWITTER: Do you want to see this?
ME: No, never
TWITTER: Ok
ME: Good
TWITTER: You will see this less often
Ugh what’s with all the free range organic baby food crap? My parents fed me Wonder bread and jelly and guess what, I miraculously grew into an adult. I mean, not a functioning one. But still.
Monday Lisa
From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.
Stay at an airbnb if you want to clean up someone else’s house better than your own
*puts my hair in a ponytail
IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.
All my friends are mad at Neil Tyson for saying that The Chipmunks probably couldn’t happen in reality because their lungs would explode from singing notes written for the human diaphragm.
* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *
A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.
I just read a story about someone finding a dead body at a Walmart. HOW EMBARRASING, I’d never be caught dead at a Walmart.
me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size
wife: is that danny devito