ME: You wanna redeem your anniversary present?
WIFE: The “One Free Naughty Massage” coupon?
ME: Yup. *winks*
WIFE: Sorry, I re-gifted it.
ME: You what? To who?
WIFE: I forgot someone’s birthday, and I panicked.
ME: TO WHO?!?
WIFE: You may get a weird call from my mom.
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If poetry is dead, then explain this:
Them: sir there’s no food allowed in here.
Me: this is my service burrito.
Hypnotist: you’re feeling very sleepy
Parents: omg yes
[being strapped into the electric chair] Are you mad at me?
“Watch this guy slap himself in the face.” -mosquito
Me: Soooo it’s our 3rd date. Is this when we like, you know, take it to the next level?
Him: Definitely! My place or yours?
Me: I was just hoping to go somewhere a little nicer than 7-11
Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.
Trapped in a crevice. “Go on boy, get help.” The dog chews off my one free arm. “Ok yeah bring that back to town I guess”
I mean…but I did
Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.
A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.
phone sales rep: may I speak with the head of the household pls?
me: just a sec, he’s using the litter box
Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.
Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.
One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
My 3yo was giving me a checkup and put the stethoscope on my stomach. She asked if I could hear the heartbeat, and I just got up and left. Heartbeat in my stomach? Smh ain’t nobody got time for that.
I was supposed to be taller, but I made it up with width for the sake of Geometry.
I have my own music. Stand outside my house holding a cheesecake over your head.
Sometimes, for fun, I like to mouth words to my husband when he’s wearing earbuds. When he stops to ask me what I said, I just say ‘forget it’ and storm off.
I love you…
…r dog.
*Job Interview
Me: “Thanks for meeting with me”
IKEA Manager: “My pleasure. Have a seat”(Sees nothing but a pile of finished wood, quarter inch screws, and an allen wrench)
Me: “What…”
Manager *starts timer*
genie: please no
millipede: more legs
[1hr before date]
Me: (to waiter) So when I order the extra spicy chicken you say ‘brave choice sir’ and then bring the Lemon Herb chicken
My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.
Dreams won’t chase you back, but Canadian geese sure as hell will.
Living well is the best revenge. The second best revenge is carefully removing plants from someone’s garden & replacing their lawn gnomes with slightly larger lawn gnomes so they appear to be growing in size from eating the plants.
Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.
Some Things Never Change 😀
#archaeohistories
POUTINE TIMELINE
9 PM: I could go for a poutine
9:15: This is god’s delicious gift
9:17: I made a mistake. How could one human fit this much gravy inside them
9:30: When the coroner examines my body he will die from contact sodium poisoning
11 PM: I could go for a poutine