If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.
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Jaws (1975): A shark gets annoyed because a bunch of people break into the ocean
You know that kid on the field who’s too busy spinning in circles to notice the ball coming at him? He’s mine, and he’s not even on a team.
I hate people who say ‘age is just a number’… Age is clearly a word.
I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.
ME: can I ask one last question
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: ok shoot
[gunshots]
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: aw heck
Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.
Woman on the phone congratulates you for winning “Unknowing Android of the Year.” “I’m not an android!” you protest. “Marvelous,” she gushes
Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that
Mafia boss: “I want him swimming with the fishes!”
*later at the coral reef*
Me: “This is amazing!”
Mafia boss: “Anything for you.”
4yo-“Can I have this granola bar?”
Me-“You don’t like granola bars.”
4yo-“I DO!”
Me-“You have never liked these. I promise you don’t.”
4yo- “I YIKE THEM! I want it!”
“…fine. Here ya go.”“Mom. I don’t yike this granola bar.”
Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?
Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?
Him:
Me:
Him: How much money do you have?
I sat on the toilet approximately 4 degrees off centre, so obviously I’m rattled.
Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.
Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”
Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”
me: woah real life russian dolls
midwife: get out
Want guests to leave early? Don’t give them your WiFi password
You’re welcome
How are birds so simultaneously beautiful and annoying as heck?!
I aspire to be birds
This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me
I painted 1 room & then the hallway and room next to it looked kinda shabby and I’m guessing this is how plastic surgery gets out of hand.
I used to think Pet Insurance was a waste of money but my cat is at the vets & they’ve sent us a really lovely little courtesy cat.
Don’t tell me how to lift my baby
Guess what? My husband doesn’t let me cook because I burn everything. Did I sneak behind his back and make fried chicken today? Yes. Because sometimes you have to prove yourself. Did I catch the kitchen on fire? Also yes
I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.
Coworker: it’s weird not having snacks in the breakroom anymore
Me *quickly shoving donut drawer closed* good how are you
Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free
He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty
Parenting is a minefield. Just because they loved Hotel Transylvania doesn’t mean they’ll love The Shining. Lesson learned.
My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.
I haven’t worn a bra since the pandemic started
Literally everyone who’s crossed my path in the last 20 months “we KNOW.”