*In the back of an ambulance
Me: Change the radio station
Paramedic: Please don’t speak. You need to save your energy
Me: Im not dying to a Nickelback song
You Might Also Like
Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2
My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
“We have an idea for a video game. Picture a big gorilla on top of some metal framing hurling barrels at a plumber.”
That could not make any less sense. What’s the gorillas first name
“Donkey”
interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired
me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood
I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?
My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.
“Mom, look! Look! Are you watching, Mom?!”
[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
Me: was the “also” because the sun SETS or because the MOON rises?
Hemingway: couldn’t you have picked someone living to have dinner with
Everyone is at the store buying milk and bread to prepare for the snow. I’m buying frozen pizza. Enjoy your milk sandwiches, losers!
[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*
Me: Table for one, please.
Waiter: Would you like to see the men–
Me: YES.
Just because you didn’t say “thank you” doesn’t mean I’m won’t say “you’re welcome.” No need for us both to behave the way you were raised.
“You need to take better care of yourself.”
– four physicians that I’ve outlived
Boss: HR wants to see you
Me: What for?
Boss: Mandatory drug test
Me: Oh man, I really can’t do any more drugs after the weekend I had
I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.
I believe I can flyyy.
I believe I can touch the skyyy.
I believe I was mistaaaken.
I believe I’m faaalling.
I believe I’m gonna diiiie.
Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.
Would you like the feathers too?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.
If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will
Def Leppard: “Pour some sugar on me. Ooh, in the name of love”
Def Leppard’s Mom: “Just great! Now we’re going to have ants!”
*Remembering the time I took a picture of myself every day for a year without removing the lens cap*
There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.
Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.
Microsoft Developer: We’ll call it “Excel!”
Manager: Great! What will it do?
Developer: The opposite of that.
Hello pollen my old friend, my nose is running once again.
You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.
I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.
👾👾👾