Instead of saying a package is Family Size, it’d be more helpful if it listed a time frame, like 3 Hours Worth of Cookies.
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It’s going to be super weird when all this shit is over and your boss is trying to get you to be all serious in some stupid meeting.
I just survived the apocalypse Carl, I don’t give a shit about forecasting
Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose
You would think that if the wife left clean dishes in one side of the sink it would be okay for you to leave dirty dishes in the other side of the sink. You would think…
my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there
What…what happens if the crabs learn how to read???
I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.
Your Honor, these 52 selfies on my clients phone at the precise moment of the crime prove that my client can only be guilty of narcissism.
[at work]
CW: Hey, I found your Twi…
Me: *jumps out window*
CW: …Twinkies.
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.
I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.
haha of course i know how to pronounce marchioness of cholmondeley but you go first
My coworker has inspirational quotes up in her cubicle and one of them says “choose your destiny” so I guess she plays Mortal Kombat too.
I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.
My 4yo just started playing rock, paper, scissors with himself. The good news is he won.
Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.
Parent drinking game: Anytime a kid drops something and doesn’t pick it up you dri…
aaaaand I’m drunk.
Me: I know this relationship is new, but I feel like my needs are being ignored.
Xfinity Customer Service: I‘ll upgrade you but only if you stop talking.
What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?
the chicken was already gone when I got here
this can’t be the same pay my coworkers are raising 3 kids with 🥲
Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
RUMPLESTILTSKIN: I’ll let you keep your first born if you can guess my name in three tries!
ME: Is it Grundletaintskin?
R: *sigh* You already know it, don’t you?
ME: Whatever do you mean, Buttholeshitskin?
97% of scientists believe climate change is man-made and causes rising sea levels of oceans. The other 3% believe Frank Ocean is an ocean.
some Old Testament wisdom
Boss: I need you to come into work at 7 instead of 9 tomorrow.
Me: Can’t.
Boss: Why?
Me: I’ll be asleep until 8:30.
My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.
Most terrifying carousel ride ever.
A hearse was in front of me in the drive through lane at a burger joint. I have questions.
Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.
I JUST CANT LOOK ITS KILLING ME