I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.
You Might Also Like
The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.
“Wow the Good Doctor is nuts.. can’t believe this is on network TV”
One Tree Hill in 2009:
He is on that bird call website a lot.
– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.
He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go
I hate what you’ve done with the place.
Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow
The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.
HEALTH OFFICIAL: one way to slow the spread of disease is to isolate yourself from people
ME: way ahead of you
Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.
[interviewing for job as assassin]
Me: I only have 1 rule
Interviewer: lemme guess. No women or kids
Me: huh? No, I just won’t work weekends
5: Grandma told me a secret.
Me: Grandma knows you aren’t supposed to keep secrets from Mommy.
5: Ok, I’ll tell you. She said you make the worst food ever.
Me: I have a few secrets to tell you about Grandma.
Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?
Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell
My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.
[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby
Breaking news:
My 3 moods:
1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit
MyChart App: You have a new message in MyChart
Email: You have a new message in MyChart
Text message: You have a new message in MyChart
Skywriter: You have a new message in MyChart
The Rosetta Stone: You have a new message in MyChart
Dating is so easy. You just ask someone out and they say no
*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.
I’m not a shout it from the rooftops kind of person, but I’ll write it on a post-it and leave it lying around for people to see.
Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”
My vocabulary can beat your vocabulary’s ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk.
My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”
So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?
Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.
I love pictures of my children because they don’t talk back.
[first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school
My 13 yro daughter just asked
What if “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” & “It’s Raining Men” are about the same event, but from different perspectives?
who called it hell and not heaven’t
“Is this InkJet any good?”
“Sure – we’ve sold it to royalty”
“Princesses?”
“Mate, it prints ALL the letters”