If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.
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[The year was 2050]
“Grandpa why are you sitting outside”
“There was a time when this was illegal you know”
welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder
Me (as a doctor): I’m afraid you have very moderately progressing gonorrhea
Patient: what? I don’t understand
Me (starts slow clap)
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “Your guess is as good as mine.”
My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?
It’s rude to upstage the bride on her wedding day but that’s exactly what’s going to happen when I burst into flames as I enter the church.
my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….
me: *hits download*
One time I was at the beach and swam past the buoy because the life guard didn’t blow his warning whistle and I almost drowned. When I got back I yelled at him but then he asked me out and I was like whatever Brad! You can pick me up at 8!
I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.
“I’m not good enough.”
-Implies this is as good as you will ever be
-Does not acknowledge your hard work
-Ends your journeyPunching the ground and declaring “I…I must get stronger!” like in anime
-Sets goals
-Recognizes how far you’ve come
-Useful for defeating the Demon King
Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
My husband told me I was beautiful for the first time tonight
Sure, he was drunk and using a Scooby Doo voice but I’ll take it
I was thrilled when this beautiful girl came up and asked me for a date.
Then I realised it was just because I work at a dried fruit stand.
Me:
One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master
I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.
9yo: My least favorite letter is “c” because it’s not fair that it can be an “s” or “k” sound.
Me:
9yo:
Me: Can I go back to sleep now?
I own a gun so if a robber breaks into my home and steals my stuff I can shoot all my stuff and break it so the robber can’t enjoy any of it
Trust me, your laptop is dishwasher safe
I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.
I think when you get your photo taken for your driver’s license they should squirt you in the face with a water gun. Then your picture will have that annoyed and upset look to match when the cop pulls you over
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane
ME: This is my therapy ham
reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume
[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?
Wife: He keeps his friend close so he doesn’t lose him
Therapist: Not a bad thing
Me [yawns and a bee flies from my mouth]: Come back Alan
I just had a guy explain maps to me. He handed me a map and said, “This is a map. You use it to locate things.”
I didn’t know what to say so I replied, “These are my shoes. I am going to use them to walk away now.”
When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.
I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.
Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.
Avril: I want a divorce. You aren’t a sk8er boi. So see ya later boi.
Chad: This is how you remind me of what I really am?!