“every family has that one huge weirdo”
“NOT MY FAMILY!” I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.
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Thanksgiving implies that we spend 99.7% of the year ungrateful…
…speaking for my kids, this checks out.
Once, I went to hug my mom, she said, “Be careful, I don’t want you to squish my purse ketchups.” I still think about that
[Clinic waiting room]
Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??!
Nurse: Sir don’t shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?
(trying to indicate to my partner that i would like another beer if theyre getting up, but using only skills i learned from point and click adventure games) wow, i could really go a beer right now. maybe some beer would help in this situation. i think there’s some beer over there
[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”
ME: if you’re under my roof you follow my rules
SON: fine
ME: well?
SON: *sighs* a ninja turtle could beat up a transformer
ME: thank you
The outburst I had at JoAnn’s Fabrics is not reflective of who I am.
wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?
Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.
7: Can I have a play date with Sally? She’s fun.
Me: Sure, but you know Mommy is the only girlfriend you can ever have, right?
Husband, walking by: Yeah, he’ll end up normal.
I was going to suggest a “moot” button for Twitter, but there doesn’t seem much point now.
when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”
[happy hour with friends discussing politics]
me: I’m going to keep my mouth shut.
alcohol: wanna bet.
Christmas was ruined for me when my dad dressed up like Santa, got stuck in the chimney and his body blocked the real Santa from getting in
If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.
I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..
got so much cardio in today
When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
BREAKING: The BBC declares war on Italy
Bird: *flies into my office window*
Me: yeah, same.
If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
me: turtles stole my pizza today
therapist: interesting
me: they emerged from the sewer like ninjas
therapist [removing mask to reveal shredder]: WHERE WERE THESE TURTLES
*takes a long, hard drag on a candy cigarette*
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
………GO TO HELL!!
Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster
Dudes who take one picture in a suit then start posting about success, just go to the wedding bro.
You said imagine my life without you…
So I closed my eyes & am on a beach with a man who knows how to change a toilet paper roll.
Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either.
I hate what you’ve done with the place.