I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.
I think I’m on to something here.
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Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds.
Them: Ok, What about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: *narrows eyes and looks intently over the trees* Yes, they’re all birds.
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.
When your lying in bed and you sneeze upwards towards a moving ceiling fan there’s really no need to take a shower for the rest of the day.
Trust me on this.
My mom just texted me to say that her dog killed 2 groundhogs in her backyard this morning so I think she may be doing Groundhog Day wrong.
Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.
I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way
The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.
If I just had a baby and was sitting in a donkey stable in the middle of winter and a little boy started drumming right in my sleeping infant’s face, I would have totally lost my shit.
I need an Amazddy. It’s like a sugar daddy, but they randomly pay for the stuff in your Amazon cart.
Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.
No matter the event, in the Midwest they bring you a casserole. Divorced- casserole. Grandpa died- casserole. You married your first cousin- casserole
There’s no occasion where cheese and canned cream of soup can’t bring everyone together
So it turns out you can eat cranberry sauce when it’s not Thanksgiving and nothing happens. You don’t get arrested or anything.
A lawyer walks into a bar. A lawyer leaves the bar. A lawyer walks into the bar. A lawyer fails the bar because he was drunk.
No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.
Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…
WIFE: Every time I get close, I get hurt.
THERAPIST: Is this true?
PORCUPINE HUSBAND: *bristles* OF COURSE IT’S TRUE I’M A BALL OF NEEDLES
5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?
Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”
Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?
It’s a hole series.
My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that’s what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.
Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything
Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you
Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave
I just read a thing that said I should compliment myself on my decisions, regardless of outcome. No thanks, I’m not the government.
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???
Whenever my daughter starts a sentence with “I saw this Tik Tok that said…”, I know I’m in for some sound advice
[God making sausages]
Angel: What’s next?
God: Take these extra parts, grind them up and stuff them in a casing
*1 angel faints, 2 vomit*
“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk
[approaching a person with a service dog who’s wearing a “Working: Do Not Pet” vest]
Me who is different and likely not target audience of sign: Hi, can I pet your dog?