Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag
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Email subject line: “Your invited.” Thanks, I’ll bring an apostrophe and an e.
If you’re into audio you’re an Audiophile.
If you love French culture you’re a Francophile.
This is why I can’t get involved with PETA.
I watched squirrels for like an hour and thought “they don’t do ANYTHING really” and then realized I watched squirrels for like an hour
Midwestern pride is suffering through cold morning temps in October without a coat because you don’t want to give Mother Nature the satisfaction and it will likely be summer again in the afternoon.
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?
I can’t stop fantasizing about gently, lovingly braiding a squid
ME: you have to go to college
SON: but why though?
ME: to be able get nice things *shows him my watch* you see this?
SON: yeah
ME: I stole this from my roommate freshman year
He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi
he’s sick of your bullshit today
*Coats body in coffee grains
*Waits for osmosis to occur
Thank god for cauliflower rice. Finally a way to chew hot water
A gentle reminder that all your panic buying will be going out of date soon. Enjoy your 36 egg omelette, you fat wankers.
The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
Pro tip: If your full grown kid won’t move out just tell them their Christmas gift is in the driveway and lock the door when they go look.
[Donald Duck opens gift]
Daisy: It’s pants. Try them on!
Donald: [stands] STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME WOMAN
Someone in the office sneezed so instead of saying “bless you” I looked them dead in the eyes and sprayed a can of Lysol.
When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?
So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.
Her: Is breakfast almost ready?
Me: Yeah, I just have to drain the sausage.
Her: Can’t we please wait till after breakfast for that?
Know who put dinosaur bones in the ground? Dinosaurs. They WANTED us to think they were extinct. And now they’re waiting. Waiting to strike.
I’m still trying to dig myself out my ringtone debt from the late 90’s
“So what do you do?”
I’m a wordsmith
“A what?”
A writer. I deal with words. How about you?
“Oh I’m a uh… weedsmith”
Husband: Do you like it hard or soft?
Wife: You know I like it hard-parents passing taco shells on a wild Tuesday night
It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.
What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?
– inventor of the roller coaster
[cocktail party]
BARTENDER: *pointing at me* Mai Tai?
ME: no, it’s mine…it came with the suit.
*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*
I was shopping the Netherlands Amazon site and the shopping cart is called the “winklewagen” and now I can’t stop thinking about that.
*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*Now love me.
**POOF**
*my left eyebrow falls off*
I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today