Ghost haunting my house: Okay, I’m just going to clean up your TINY, SHITTY, Apartment while you’re gone because I can’t not-live like this!
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*puts on wrestling mask*
*stretches*
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*Me: Let’s do this!
Kid: It’s just thumb wrestling, lady.
Me: Bring it, loser!
If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.
[playing the board game Guess Who]
Me: Is your person handsome?
5-year-old: No, they look like you.
I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.
The liquor store clerk just wished me Merry Christmas like he’s not going to see me 8 more times before then.
The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…
When walking on the beach with someone, I like to pretend that I’m the ocean’s lawyer. “Sorry, I have to take this,” I say holding a seashell to my ear. “It’s my best client.”
COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang
The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.
mechanics be like
Her: Let’s just drop it.
Me: Fine.
Her:
Me:
Her: I just find it funny how…
Me: *opens car door and shoulder rolls out into traffic*
I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming
A child stared at me for ten minutes before he asked what that was on my face
His mum replied ‘that’s a beard’I was that kid’s first beard
We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.
The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.
ME: [slowly peeling back sock] It hurts so bad doc, is it gangrene?
DOCTOR: [leaning in with tweezers] Hmm, I see, it appears to be… a red Lego
if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night
Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat
I can’t wait for thanksgiving. It’s an election year so that means there will be at least 4 fist fights and someone’s getting disowned.
If you’re ugly, I won’t alert you if you have a typo. You have enough on your plate as it is.
“These are serious allegations”
You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.
LA today:
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: (unconvincingly) Oh… oh no… stop… I don’t… want to be late for work
Therapist: let’s try guided imagery to help you relax. I’ll play beach sounds, you close your eyes & picture what I’m describing
Me: ok
T: you see seagulls flying in the distance.
there are so many of them & they are getting closer
uh oh they’ve spotted your Doritos
Me: NO
Email from my mom: What’s my email address?
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Cake!!
[2 Years into Cosmetology School]
Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?
Basically.