Am I having a stroke?
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I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.
I never lock my car. What is someone gonna steal, my thousands of McDonald’s napkins? Perhaps my broken sunglasses? Every water bottle my kids have ever opened and took one sip of? They’d be doing me a favor.
A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.
If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.
“I can’t eat all of that!”
… and other lies I tell
I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.
In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me “what is in cells?”
I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.
My wife thinks she was able to finally get rid of my favorite chair on the neighborhood free page except it’s actually me coming to pick it up later.
Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn’t leave you.
Me : Really?
Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?
Don’t drop the soap in prison because someone might steal your soap and then you will be “the dirty guy” and no one will have sex with you
WIFE: Do something productive today
ME: I will
[later]
WIFE: What the-?
[dog zooms by in the car]
ME: I taught him how to drive, Karen
I just love it when my boyfriend comes to visit and brings me presents. He always says stuff like “stop winking and sign for this package”
If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between
1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.
“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.
Not my mom telling me she still talk to my ex because I still talk to her ex… Mam that’s my DAD
I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.
[talking to zoo attendant as I slowly take out a $50 bill]
“No”
What?
“You can’t sit in the Kangaroos pouch”
*places $50 back in my pocket*
me:
I like to speak to my attorney please.wife:
Just tell me which shoes look better please.
How do I know it will be a full moon tonight?
Exhibit A and Exhibit B.*points to 2 ferocious beasts who keep calling me “mom”*
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
Not today.. 😂
Instead of voter fraud, why don’t they just call it Electile Dysfunction?
KID: I’m starting to feel like I’ll never find a Coke with my name on it
MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious
psa: don’t ruin the thanksgiving meal by bringing up politics. ruin the meal by telling your family you don’t know half of them half as well as you should like and like less than half of them half as well as they deserve then vanishing while they try to figure out what you meant
Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!
WIFE: how’s dinner
ME: these mashed potatoes are dank
WIFE: is that bad or good
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: I don’t know
I would watch Real Housewives if it was like Game of Thrones and they would occasionally and suddenly behead one of the main characters.
Mission: Impossible