Any job that calls u a rockstar just know they’re underpaying u
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Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’
*pushes math homework away in 1990*
I’ll never need this
*getting yelled at by subway customer in 2014*
I WANT THE BREAD CUT LIKE A RHOMBUS
I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool
I’m going to open a food truck that sells chicken sandwiches. Park it next to Chick-fil-A and open it only on Sundays
It will be called Side Chick.
Grocery store
Me: reach something for me?
Tall guy: sure thing!
Me: I have an itch right under my left shoulder blade.
MOVIE EXEC: So your idea for a superhero is a guy called ‘Candleman’ and his catchphrase is ‘There’s no rest for the wick head’?
ME: Yep!
HIM: Get out
Ever see a plane flying toward the moon & it looks like it’s gonna hit it & then it does & the oceans boil & wolves take over?
I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me
Life hack :
Receive a wide assortment of yellow, orange, pink and red envelopes, free of charge, simply by not paying your bills.
#parenting
If you believe you can pass a drug test by drinking large amounts of water, you’re just diluting yourself.
Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.
Date: What are you thinking about?
Me *wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich* I was wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich
Therapist: It seems like you have an
acute phobia of marriage. Do you know
the symptoms?Patient: I can’t say I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s one of them.
my bf dealing with his cats is so funny… they just started fighting and i heard him go “stop it! Did you really think that would solve the conflict?!” Like i bet they were so embarrassed
Him: Let’s grill this steak
Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS
Him: that’s not-
Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK
I’ve heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I’d like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform
fired
As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.
Me: How was my snoring last night?
Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT
I’m the kind of girl that likes to wake up. Hear the birds chirping. And throw my coffee at them.
baby moses: [crying]
mum: “why wont he stop”
dad: “throw him in the river lol”
mum: “okay”this is from a book called the bible
My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.
Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?
SON: but I want to see my friend!
ME: buddy, I’m sorry. It’s not great right now. Mommy and Daddy can’t see our friends either.
SON: … you guys have friends?
*wife sees me crying*
Her: What’s going on?
Me: The kids gave me this
*holds up Dad Is #1 mug*
W: That’s sweet
H: Sweet? They think I’m pee!
Diet day 1
I have removed all the bad food from the house.
It was delicious.
Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.
The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.