Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.
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Walk slow and never assume the automatic door will open.
Manslaughter. The sound of a man laughing?
The spider sees a delicious cave opening and works quickly, spinning an intricate, elegant web. She steps back, smiling at her work, tears in all of her eyes. It is brilliant.
Me: *closes my mouth after the longest and best yawn ever*
Spider: noooooooooo
*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*
The universe is so mysterious
ER Dr: What are you doing?
Me: I’m decorating.
ER Dr: Why?
Me: According to my bill I live here now.
How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face
8: What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me: I want you to do some chores.
8: That’s not special, though. You always ask us to do chores.
Me: Yes. The special part will be if you actually do them.
I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.
Me, writes out daily outfits for trip on stationary, folds each outfit together, makes labels with the day I am to wear said outfit and attaches it to the folded pile and lays each gently into suitcase.
Husband, “Do you think I need more than 3 pairs of socks?”
[jaws theme plays]
Me: omg
Shark groom: omg she’s here
This red flag smells like chloroformZZZ.
[date]
HER: Any hobbies?
ME: I collect old comics
HER: Oh! Like 1st editions?
ME: [flashback to Billy Crystal tied up in basement] Sure
I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.
I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.
Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”
you: hey that looks like updog
me: (wrongly assuming that people will like me more if i agree with them than if i ask them questions when im confused about something) wow it really does
This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!
Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?
No way you’re all at church.
Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out
So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.
MAGICIAN: Think of a horse
ME: Ok
MAGICIAN: You thinking of one?
ME: Yep
MAGICIAN: Cool right?
ME: Very cool
Boss: I’ve been told one of you is just a robot car in disguise
*everyone stares at me, even Optimus who is drinking oil instead of coffee*
ME: I’ll have the chicken dinner.
WAITER: Yes, sir. *throws corn on the floor* Here, chick chick chick.
ME: *pecks at the ground* Excellent.
him, on one knee: will you marry me
her: OMG
onlookers: say yes! say yes!!
me: *mouth full of hotdog* tell us the biggest fight you’ve had so far
No one:
My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock
In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 mins
There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
I don’t think either person should pay for the first date. It should be on the house