pelicons
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I’m starting to regret my “2015 FOREVER” tattoo.
barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.
She has the grace of a puncture wound and the charm of a tetanus shot.
People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.
The universe: “Everything happens for a reason”
Me:
If its a ghost ship why does it have to be on water
Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?
Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.
Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?
Me: She’s my current wife.
Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you’re good.
[About to have sex]
Girl: Do you have a condom?Me: Yeah
*bird screaching*
Girl: I said condom not condor
Me: *taking condom from bird’s beak* Good boy Rory.
Girl:
Me: Don’t you feel stupid now?
(Arrives in rescue boat to aid sinking cruise ship full of today’s pop artists, saves only Lorde and Sia, speeds away)
They say the camera adds 10 lbs.
Looks like fast food added the other 40.
Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.
The judge, however called it compelling evidence
*eye roll*
Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,
I met a girl at a club last night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
ohgod what if there’s some murderer in the backseat of my car while i’m driving alone and they hear me singing this cranberries song off-key
Her: Make your own Pizza Rolls.
Me: It says: Not to operate heavy machinery while using this medication.
Her: It’s an oven not a forklift.
I’m so glad I had a kid so instead of relaxing in the bath, I can have someone explain Minecraft to me in painful detail.
Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..
@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 🙂
Date: you know that was just a filter, right?
Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine
wife: [crying] “he always calls me weird pet names”
therapist: “what do you mean?”
me: [arriving late] “what’s wrong my little hovercraft?”
I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber
I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys
I sure do wish my gasts would stop getting flabbered
But it’s not the “worst way” either…
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW
In order to stop teeth grinding, it’s recommended you sleep with your jaw slightly ajar.
While you’re at it, you may as well lay out a welcome mat for spiders.
MEN: if your date is cold, don’t just stand there; be a gentleman and allow her to cut you open so she can crawl inside and keep warm
“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”
My dog: