Being a mom means always wondering where that pee smell came from
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It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.
Ah, gaily-wrapped gifts beneath a Christmas tree, twinkling lights, mince pies, and an open fire. I’m in a good place right now. I should probably leave before the owners get home.
If you get butterflies in your stomach
You should probably stop eating insects
Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
2-year-old: An eagle!
I’m going to save so much money on college.
How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
the school sent my 7yo home with a recorder and she is foregoing learning actual songs so she can “perfect her police and ambulance siren sounds” god help me
[ Dracula opens freezer ]
Her: What are you doing with my tampons?
Dracula: Making popsicles
I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.
in high school our gym teacher asked us who we thought the smartest teacher in the school was. we guessed the AP chem teacher, the precalc teacher, the AP physics teacher, etc. he goes, nope, it’s me because I get paid the same as those guys and I play dodgeball all day.
I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.
My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.
I wish Teachers were treated like pro athletes. Million dollar contracts and tenure bonuses.
Pro model erasers and chalk. Showered with Gatorade when the whole class passes.
Everytime someone says that token sentence “let me know if I can do anything for you” praying you don’t ask, ask for a mortgage payment.
My laptop: *memory is low*
Me, in my 40’s: “you and me both, buddy”
My 4yo said he was playing at lunch with a girl from his class at school.
Me: Which game were you playing?
4: Lava Queen and Assistant!
Me: Let me guess. You were the assistant?
4: How did you know, daddy?!
Daddy knows.
“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.
Me: Enough with the reminders. I got it already.
Also me: Oh shit that was today.
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
Goblin adventurer whose catchphrase is “no goblemo”
Whenever I see *Batman voice* I always wonder which Batman.
I had to update my driver’s license photo at the DMV and I complained that I looked terrible in it and the guy said, “Lady, that’s literally exactly what you look like” and now my day is ruined.
The Bachelorette… but for cats.
Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.
Her: so yeah i’m a palaeontologist, it means i know a lot about dinosaurs basically, do you have a favourite dinosaur?
Me: *visibly sweating* umm…umm…REPTAR.
Her: …
Me: …
Her: …like…like from rugrats?
Me: …he had a wagon
I was arrested on suspicion of accessory to peeing in a pigpen but my lawyer says they’ll drop the charges if I squeal
I’ve gained a couple lbs so I went and bought some new granny panties and I’ve gotta say if there’s a fire at our house my 7yr old can use those suckers to parachute from the top floor to safety.
This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.
annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.
margaret really hates that.
I like doormats that say ‘Welcome’ but they don’t go far enough. I want a trail of doormats saying ‘Welcome’, ‘How was your journey?’, ‘Can I take your coat?’, ‘How’s the family?’, ‘Well, it’s getting late’ and ‘Thanks for coming’. Automate the whole process of entertaining.