Mr. Trump, what will you do as President?
TRUMP: I’ll outlaw shredded cheese and only sell blocks
Why?
TRUMP: To make America grate again
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I’ve discovered my home doesn’t have a basement.
It was just the estate agent doing that walking down the stairs thing behind the couch
Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.
Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!
Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.
“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: cause you wanted to see how tall I am?
C: step out of the car, sir.
Me: see, I told ya.
Lynyrd Skynyrd
Lyonyl Rychye
I’m dying!! A bear cub went and ate my aunt’s pies today of ALL DAYS!!! 🤣🤣
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
[First date]
Her: Are you literally WEARING a red flag?
Me: Yes, do you like it? Hey! Come back!
You should never forget where you came from. That’s probably where your keys are.
Me: Hey, do you wanna play Nintendo?
Dad: Actually that’s a Super Nintendo, it’s the newer version improved in practically every way.
Me Got it.
Dad: Where’s mom?
Me: Visiting Super Dad.
People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.
The real controller stays on my person at all times.
A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.
Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.
It isn’t a coincidence almost all movies about camping are horror.
Therapist: what would you say to your dad if he were alive today?
Me: sorry for cremating you. I honestly thought you were dead
I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.
*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*
I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.
I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.
ME: Got here as fast as I could! I have the anecdote!
HIM [dying of snakebite]: Please say you mean antidote
ME: Funny story! This one time—
I just found a marshmallow Santa in my desk drawer, I’m guessing I shouldn’t eat it.
*wipes chocolate from mouth
[Airplane]
Me (pointing excitedly) “Hey honey! Look at those people down there. They look like ants!”
My wife (whispering): “Shh. What are you talking about? We haven’t even taken off yet”
Half-human/half-ant family at the back of the plane (muttering): “What a rude man”
I had a $25.00 gift card to Whole Foods, after chipping in another $4.75 I was able to buy two plums.
6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.
BOSS: How’s the project going?
ME: It’s going okay.
BOSS: Are you worried it won’t be done in time?
ME: I’m not worried at all.
BOSS: Good.
ME: It absolutely won’t be done in time.
“Alright they’ve left for vacation lets rob em”
Oh shoot their porch lights are on
“So what we literally watched them leave”
Rules are rules
Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies
GPS: We have arrived at the bank.
Me: Okay, great.
GPS: There are no cops within eight minutes of the bank.
Me: …What?
GPS: It takes three minutes to write a note and get to the front of the line.
Me: I’m not going to rob —
GPS: *Sigh* Fine. We never do anything fun