Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus
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I don’t want to alarm anyone, but my doctor says I have an irreversible terminal condition called aging.
Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum
I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.
If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.
I had no intention of viewing your webinar until you used “and more” as a bullet point in your email and seduced me with the allure of intrigue and mystery
Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid
doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood
ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*
Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling
Doctor: I’m afraid you’ve got chronic updog
Me, embarrassed that I don’t know what the word chronic means: ah well, you win some you lose some
Me: I’m pretty brave.
Wife: You shrieked in terror at a potato.
Me: It had stuff growing out of it. I could’ve died.
Him: Let’s role play.
Me: What did you have in mind?
Him: Well, I know how much you love the 80s…
Me: You want me to blow you like an Atari cartridge?
a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat
9: I noticed there is bacon in the fridge
Me: yes
9: you gonna cook it?
Me: yes
9: I love you
Me: I know
When in doubt, ask yourself WWBD: What Would Beyoncé Do? Would she apply for a job? Nope. She’d just show up one day like “I work here now.”
“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life
Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true
Clean sheet day!!
*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*
Just learned that the main guy from the Sopranos was named Tony Soprano what’s next you’re gonna tell me the guy from True Detective is called Tony True Detective c’mon
*Hands girl a card that says Be Mine*
Girl: Aw that’s so sweet
*Pulls out a pickaxe*
Me: Come on, do it I need some iron ASAP lady!
Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.
“Have you tried drinking more water?”
is the new
“Have you tried turning your computer off and turning it back on again?”
of health advice.
April showers bring may flowers. What did the Mayflower bring? Smallpox
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried
My favorite part about playing video games with my kids is
WAIT WHICH GUY AM I
HOW DO I JUMP
WHAT’S HAPPENING
Camping?
No thank you.If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.
starting group chats is like that fox chicken & bag of grain riddle where you cant put certain guys in the same boat or theyll kill everyone
Beethoven: hey everybody, this next song’s called “Für Elise”
Elise: omg, we broke up 6 months ago, get over urslf
B: SHUT UP ELISE I LUV U