Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels
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Standing in the snow on a sub-zero morning, holding a steaming bag of poop, I begin to question my ‘dogs are better than people’ philosophy.
Capture a raccoon & an octopus. Sit them on the couch. Give them snacks. Sit between them. Turn on the TV.
Now you’re ready to have kids.
The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
Pretty sure this owl hates everything 🤣🤣🤣
If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid
If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.
My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.
“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”
– How my friends explain me to others.
“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
let’s make a deal: if we’re both single when we’re 40 we’ll meet up together in a neutral area and hunt each other for sport
What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.
So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
her: what do u do
me: [remembers girls like bad boys] i sell drugs
her: are u serious ??
me: [remembers girls like sensitive guys] to kids in need
If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.
The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.
ME: help theres a burglar in my home
911: a what?
ME: a burglar
911: a burglar?
ME: yes burglar
911: who says burglar? lmao
BURGLAR: lol “oH No a bUrGLaR”
911: haha thats exactly what he sounds like
We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.
My wife went into labor this morning and I was excited until I saw that it’s somebody’s birthday on FB that I didn’t like.
I kid you not.
-Condom wearers
The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
I’m at the point in my life where “friend with benefits” just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.
Me: *walks up to table next to mine in restaurant*
Are you done with that yet?
Her: We said no.
Me: But I need a green crayon for the tree.
Him: Can you turn on the wifi?
Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.
[god making cheetahs]
Let’s just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers