Kid 1: Why’d you call me Aphrodite?
“After the Greek goddess of love”
Kid 2: What about me pop?
“You’re named after a famous chipmunk Alvin”
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Q: What day does an Easter egg hate the most?
A: Good Fry-day.#GoodFriday #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
[in car]
Wife: Dont tell ur arm story
Me: Im gonna stick to humorous stories 2nite babe
*at party*
AND THAT’S WHEN MY HUMOROUS BROKE IN HALF
Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.
A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.
harry potter: i’m depressed
dumbledore: your parents died when you were a baby, cedric and your godfather were killed in front of you, a homicidal maniac is trying to kill you. i get it
harry: yeah
dumbledore: so i need you to go on a deadly quest to find some soul trinkets
Her: (Sigh) How did you burn the Thanksgiving Turkey?
Me: I followed the directions. 20 minutes a pound at 325 degrees. I weigh 175 pounds!
Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.
50 Shades of Dre.
It was to keep our furry overlords content😉
*aliens return to ship*
ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans?
“We left them”
AL: Why?
“They didn’t look anything like their selfies in rl”
If you eat french fries and then drink a milkshake, every time you burp it will taste like a donut. Please continue following me on the twitter dot com for more life inspiration.
When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”
Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?
Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed
Me- That’s heroin
Officer-…
Me- Want some?
Officer-…
Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs
me: so i have an attention deficit.
psychologist: yes.
me: so i need to get more attention
psychologist: no.
The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war
I can’t explain it but making the bed changes me on a deep spiritual level. Stressed? Make the bed! The rest of your house is in shambles? Ahhhh look at that nice made bed, luxury! 5 mins before bedtime but you forgot to make the bed? Simply make the bed and get in it.
[in a getaway car]
robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask
me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?
The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.
And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.
My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?
My brother’s so homophobic that if he dropped his keys in San Francisco he’d kick them to Oakland before bending over to pick them up.
Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses
Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.
Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.
In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
Superman: I have super strength
Flash: I have super speed
Aquaman: I control sea creatures
Green Arrow: I tell cars when to turn left
[ DEATH CERTIFICATE ]
Cause of Death: Sent girlfriend Eye Roll Emoji
The pet groomer didn’t appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the “happy ending”.
Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?
Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me