at my girlfriend’s house for thanksgiving and i asked if we could watch the game and she said “of course!” then put on a gossip girl thanksgiving episode
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Another election year, another voting day writing in Bart Simpson on the ballot.
Good marriage requires communication: My wife tells me I’m wrong, and I tell her she’s right.
I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.
If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.
Went a little too hard on leg day at the gym and the next day I couldn’t walk.
Naturally, I lied and told my friends that I met someone…
I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries
shark tooth fairy: *throwing fins up in the air* I quit
the one time i draw them and of course it’s a meme
911, what’s your emergency?
Me (whispering): I’m holding a bagel in my right hand
Are you left handed?
No but I couldn’t use my right thumbprint to unlock my iPhone so I used the emergency button
Okay but why are you whispering?
I don’t want the killer to know I have a bagel
He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty
Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.
Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
Dear millionaires,
If you don’t have a bookcase that spins into a secret room then give your money to me because you’re spending it wrong.
After a failed college project to fight hunger, Clark decided to focus on fighting crime and thereby dropping a p from Supperman.
*waves arm in the direction of the lake*
One day, all this will be yours.
12: Are you threatening to drown me?
Me: Just make your bed, k?
[their last appetizer]
Her: I don’t want it. You have it.
Him: I don’t want it either, you…
Me: *reaches onto their table and takes it
Don’t be fooled by what your kids will eat at someone else’s house.
Oldest child: Here are 100 pictures of me as a baby eating oatmeal.
Youngest child: Here are the 7 pictures of me as a child.
The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.
I’d like to be alone now please sign out.
Oh I have Christmas spirit. The question is do I mix it with coke or do I drink it neat
me: so you’re representing that murderer who pushed those people off the cliff huh.
lawyer: i think you mean alleged.
me: it’s the same thing and don’t call me ed.
[Speed Dating]
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?
Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.
Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.
At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
sometimes you fall asleep with your phone in your hand like you’re a raccoon clutching a hotdog
– my husband, romancing me
“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”
Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.