* Kindergarten*
Hi kids! I’m the homeroom mom for your class. [writes name on chalkboard]
[Boy Raises hand]
We can’t read. No one can read
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Me: Hurry up! If mommy is late to work then I get fired then we don’t have money to pay the rent and then we’re homeless.
[Later]
6yo: [sees homeless guy] Looks like that guy was late to work.
If Amazon boxes become the currency of the post-apocalyptic world my family will be rich.
Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?
When Game of Thrones ended, many cast members found new roles and exciting opportunities awaiting them. Others weren’t nearly as fortunate.
My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.
me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin
I’M TOO SEXY FOR MY RADIATION SUIT I scream as I run out into the wasteland. So sexy it hurts. Oh god it hurts. Help-
wife: “this is really your idea of an anniversary present?”
me: [on the other walkie talkie] “you didn’t say over, over”
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: oh that’s a brilliant question
Interviewer: But what’s the answer?
Me: Sarcasm
I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.
Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.
Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.
HIPSTER COP: *into radio* “We’ve got a 13-88 in progress…it’s a pretty rare crime, you probably wouldn’t know it”
Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
Purgatory is like approaching a flashing stoplight. The light at the end of the tunnel is blinking and no one knows what to do.
She’s a 10…but sometimes an 8 and maybe a 12 once in awhile because clothing sizes are so inconsistent.
Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.
Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
*does quarter behind the ear trick, but with orange marmalade*
The problem with honey is that I could be in a hazmat suit watching a show about someone in Australia just looking at a jar of it and it would still wind up all over me.
Since I moved into my house, my parents do this thing where they come over so my dad can work on a project but he always forgets a tool he needs so they just drink my beer instead.
“Dude, we should swap spacesuits. Just for a laugh.”
“Ha, yeah ok.”
[swaps suits]
“Now we sh-”
“You took a shit in this, didn’t you?”
u know how sum people get amnesia well i got opposite amnesia i remember everything ask me what i ate this morning. breakfast next question
I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!
Now taking applications to pretend to be my boyfriend on Saturday and go with me to my friend’s kid’s graduation party. I can’t pay anything but you can steal stuff from their house
There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the right application of fonts and colours
Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
Me: !!Ugh!! YOUR DAMN DOG IS STARING AT ME AGAIN!
Him: Just ignore him.
Me: I’m trying!
Him: I was talking to the dog…
That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.
I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.