Husband: “Honey, I can’t find my sweatshirt and I’m cold. Have you seen it?”
Me: “Nope.”
Husband: “You’re wearing it right now…”
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Skinny people are easier to get blown around by storms. These 4 donuts are for my safety.
I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.
me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it’s dark messages.
me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what’s one rune reading among friends?
Nothing freaks me out like when I’m ordering from a Chinese restaurant and I ask “What kind of meat is that?” and they answer “yes”
Hey IKEA,
Marriage Therapists and Divorce Lawyers on site in your stores, you’d make a killing.
nyc:
Me: I’m a solid eight
Friend: Wow. Out of ten?
Me: What lol god no
Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift
“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”
That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.
Do you think it’s possible to train a hedgehog to walk up an down the table with cubes of cheese on it’s spikes? I’m giving a dinner party.
Ridiculous. He should be in jail
If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.
FACT: When a dog barks at you, it’s actually their skeleton barking.
PROOF: I have never seen a dog without a skeleton bark.
I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.
Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.
Every time my husband wakes me up to tell me I’m snoring we end up having sex. I’m beginning to question whether or not I snore.
Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.
SO AFTER I CAUGHT HER CHEATING ON ME I WANTED TO JUMP OUT OF A PLANE AND DIE. ANYWAY MY NAME’S TOM AND I’LL BE YOUR TANDEM PARACHUTE PARTNER
Her: If you look up immature in the dictionary you’ll see a picture of yourself!
Me: Oh I’m immature? I’m not the one with pictures in my dictionary Karen!
We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.
Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it
Fun Fact: All the confetti thrown during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade is cut from a single CVS receipt.
I’m just thankful that the presidential election doesn’t have a swimsuit portion.
Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat
Accidentally drove to work w/the kids still in the car & they waited until I parked to cheer that they weren’t going to school.
Mon-1
Mom-0
I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.
This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all
My search history at 25:
-best countries to hike
-how much tequila is lethal
-lamborghinis on saleMy search history at 50:
-what does a stroke feel like
-how much ibuprofen is lethal
-most nutritious cat food
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
[Excavation for dino bones]
DIGGER: Sir, we found something BIG!
DOG PALEONTOLOGIST: *tail wags* Ok go for break [salivating] I’ll finish up