them: what are you think-
me: FOOD
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What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?
My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?
“Toy Story 4”: Woody and Buzz discover their teddy bear friend is really a NannyCam; they must murder him to protect the secret of the toys.
My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.
Leonardo DiCaprisun
2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.
An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.
Went to the zoo yesterday and got to hear my kid and their friends argue “I saw the animal first!” at each stop, in case you were thinking of doing that soon.
Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
remeber: you hav the same number of hours in the day as this tree. and how much oxygen hav u produced? oh none? oh u CONSUMED OXYGEN!?!???
My wife makes us recycle everything.
*empties condom into sink*
ME: I need to pee really bad
TEACHER: can you hold it?
ME: probably not. my hands aren’t very good at retaining liquid
me: [performing autopsy] so I’ve been practicing my ventriloquism
assistant: now’s not the time
corpse: aw come on
figuring out my emotional availability:
Judas has been acting weird the last few days.
Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.
Bros before Ohioes
Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
I’m still trying to dig myself out my ringtone debt from the late 90’s
Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder.
Please do not buy stainless steel or titanium rings. They seem cool until you can’t get them off.
HER: What’s your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: …
ME: …
HER: … V-Verizon.
What I was warned about as a kid:
*Strangers in vans
*Gum taking seven years to digest
*QuicksandWhat I wasn’t warned about as a kid:
*Arguing with a computer that I’m not a robot
*Being sad when my favorite spatula breaks
*Meeting a “pickleball influencer”
There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.
Well well well, if it isn’t the bridge I said I’d burn when I came to it…
This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.
My fight or flight response has frequent flyer miles.
Cabin 1: *coughs
Cabin 2: What’s the matter with him?
Cabin 3: Cabin Fever.
Me: Take my pic *hands him camera & giggles*
Him: What’s funny?
Me: Nothing.
Him: *presses button, explodes, dies*
Me: Ha! Photo bombed!
You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.