ME: *rolls up sleeves* time to fix the sink
WIFE: *rolling her sleeves back down* what is wrong with you just fix it
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I have 2 cats and 2 dogs so I feel comfortable giving parenting advice. Mostly you have to check how much protein there is in the bag before you buy them food.
Guys, I found it.
I’ve got 11 lava lamps and every time a girl comes back to my place, she leaves almost immediately. I need more. 14 lava lamps.
Before you criticize my scam how about you give me a chance to lie to you about it
Cop: you failed to obey the stop sign
Me: I got lost in the music
C: what song?
M: I’d rather not say
C: what song?!?
M: I saw the sign
I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.
I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.
People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.
A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.
Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?
date: I won’t be able to see you for a while. I need to focus on watching the World Cup.
me: *flops to the ground clutching my shin*
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two – one to screw it most of the way and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.
If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”
A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.
Never had a gay thought in my life but when Daniel Craig jumps onto the back of the train & adjusts his cuff I now kind of get it.
[Date]
ME: I hope you like your wine dry
HER: But of cour- umm that’s just a glass of raisins
ME: *mouth full of raisins* it’s weally dwy
[being buried alive] you missed a spot
avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day
Feeling sad because my hamster died… Well he’s not ‘technically’ dead yet, but I ran out of food so it’s really just a matter of days.
Love restaurants that put ice cubes in their urinals. Makes me think the ice is a bank vault and my pee is a laser.
Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?
i couldn’t remember the word “counting” so i told my friend to “do the number alphabet.”
The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.
Me: Hey, do you want to –
My 13 Year Old: No.
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
My favorite farside!!
Harry: so a time turner turns back time
Dumbledore: yes
Harry: to, say, stop two murders
Dumbledore:
Harry: hello
Dumbledore [loudly chewing jelly beans]: crazy how Pluto isn’t a planet anymore lol
There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.
I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.
Me: [Has only ever touched a gun once in my life]
Me every time I’m at the airport: oh no what if I accidentally packed a gun