“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.
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“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad
Bought $200 sunglasses.
Lost them in 15 minutes.Bought Walmart sunglasses.
Had them for 238 years.
One time I fell off a 20ft ladder, then climbed right back up and jumped off a second time to show that ladder who’s in charge.
Remember that it’s “i before e” …
Except when feigning a heist on a
weird, feisty, beige foreign neighbor.
Work in retail. If we say it’s not out the back, it’s not. But you pricks insist so we say fine and take a free break. Once I was hungover so took a cheeky nap, came out 15mins later pretending I’d looked EVERYWHERE. She was so grateful I tried, told my manager I was fantastic.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.
[funeral]
Wife: he looks so peaceful
Me: yeah I gave the priest an edible
I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs
Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.
Meanwhile, a pug wearing an ugly Christmas sweater is having a doggy wedding in Central Park, while I can’t even get a girl to text me back
[invention of baseball]
Guy: I’ll throw the ball
Me: and I catch it
Guy: no hit it with a stick
Me: then what?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: what if I miss?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: you could just say you don’t want to play catch with me dad
I need a treadmill with a reward system.
Run 10k, here’s a pizza.
At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?
HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
Whoever designed toddlers really knew what they were doing. I left my 2yo alone for a minute and he completely trashed the room and when I walked in he just looked up at me all wide eyed with his arms out and goes, “What I dooed?”
baby: a-a-
mom: his first word!
baby: According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the grou
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?
[quarantine routine]
7am: woke up
8am: fell out of bed
9am: dragged a comb across my head
10am: found my way downstairs and drank a cup
11am: looking up I noticed I was late
12pm: found my coat and grabbed my hat
1pm: made tiktoks with my cat
{The Mothburbs}
Mom: Oh no!
Dad: What?
Mom: 16 has that glow about her
Dad: Didn’t you have the talk??
Mom: Sure but you remember your first time?
Dad sighs: Wild horses still can’t keep me away from light bulbs
My mom: sure use any towel.
Also my mom: not that one.
my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’
I got soap in my shower beer again.
bout dat hot dog summer
what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question
If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.
Only resort to violence if necessary like you get the wrong pizza toppings.
Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*
I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive