The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.
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Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing
Another morning waking up not knowing where tf you are or how you got there.
Wife: I’m leaving
Me: I’m not surprised, spending so much time at home has shown how much we live for superficial joys to disguise how sad we are together
Wife: I’m leaving to go to Walmart
Me: ooh get chocolate
The gym is really dead on Saturday mornings. I could tell by their empty parking lot as I was sitting in McDonald’s eating hotcakes and sausage.
I saw a lady at work today doing “breathing exercises” and realized for the first time how lucky I was that breathing came naturally to me.
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.
A bloke just in front of me got knocked over by a runaway shopping trolley and if I hadn’t paused to look at a couple of fish fillets it could have been me. I immediately thought, there but for the brace of cod go I.
I don’t expect everything handed to me, just set it down outside my door.
You know you’ve got a drinking problem when you’re looking at the unleaded nozzle being labeled as 15% ethanol and you’re like “same, brother”
11 years ago when trying to bag my boyfriend I tried to eat a whopper in front of him in a hot way and I 100% pulled it off. In a way I am more proud of that than my records.
[about to climb Mt. Everest]
Me: omg is there no parking ?
Me: …at aol dot com
Cashier: at a…?
M: at aol dot com
Cashier: at ao…?
Me: at aol dot com
Cashier: Ma’am, are you crying?
[train station]
Man: hey you.
Woman: Hi.
M: i’m Christian.
W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks awayM: ugh. i hate my name.
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
How many dates should you wait before revealing that you’re not proficient in Excel?
Having survived numerous mysterious strangers attempting to kill him as a child, Hitler swore revenge on a cruel world.
[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.
A clean headbutting is the most elegant way to win an argument.
Wife: What is twitter?
Me: Hold on a sec, I gotta go to the bathroom. *flushes iphone down toilet*
If you rub chop sticks together its a sign of disrespect but if you use them to play a bitching drum solo much honor will come your way
Whatever, Batman. You may call it the Batcave, but that doesn’t change the fact you still live in your parents’ basement.
This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.
@funTweeters Thanks for publishing my tweets.
My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.
“If you could take one thing from a burning house, what would it be?” THE FIRE. I WOULD TAKE THE FIRE AND PUT IT OUTSIDE. Easy. Next.
(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help
Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….
*my wife opens my sock drawer & sees that it’s filled with bite sized candy bars. she looks over at me*
did you go trick or treating again last night?
When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less
The guy: