me: *just doesnt know when to quit* see you tomorrow
boss: *just doesnt know when to fire me* yep
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Him: Your test came back, and it’s negative.
Me: Whew! Thank goodness.
Him: No, your math test. You’re failing this class.
one of my fav things about friendships is that when they start, you send memes by saying “i thought you’d like this one” and they respond by saying “i really do, thank you!” and eventually that grows into you just being like “yooOOOAKSLDJS” and them just being like “HOLyyOmfnfnf”
Getting older sucks. I hurt my back trying to flirt.
Tired of dating apps. I will now be using a ouija board
*gets period*
“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”
What do you call a priest that graduated from law school
Father in Law
i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/
First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves
First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit
me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach
wife: we have never discuss-
me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back
*sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
ooooh yeah
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
nooooo
*punches hole in wall*
me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.
I hear you like horror movies
You should see me first thing in the morning when I forgot to take my makeup off
*winks forever*
Officer: Sir, we have reports you’ve trained this bird to injure passersby.
Me: Ridiculous!
O: The pet’s name?
M: Paul the Attack Canary.
Me in my 20s: wakes up in the morning and hops out of bed
Me in my 40s: wakes up and sits on the edge of the bed for 43 minutes preparing my body to walk again.
I saw a guy pushing a stroller with a kayak balanced on top, like he had traded the baby for it. And clearly he hadn’t planned this. He didn’t have the car with him, so it must have been a spur of the moment baby trade. Some amazing kayak salesman was willing to make a deal.
Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls
[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
Having a toddler has trained me well for pumpkin season. I’m ready to carry up to 25 pounds of something for long distances because it is utterly incapable of walking.
Just as the prophecy foretold
Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.
Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.
*gazing up at stars*
Her (whispering): is that the Big Dipper?
Me (a barista): actually the technical term for it is Venti Dipper
So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.
All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
ME: Man, I really should get glasses. I’m blind as a–
BAT NEXT TO ME: blind as a what
ME: um
BAT: as a what
ME:
BAT: say it
Whenever bands ask me for examples of a “good press photo” I send them this
“Why do you wanna work at Clickbait Enterprises?”
Here’s 10 reasons why I should get the job
“ok”
Number 7 will shock you
“You’re hired”
I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!