Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.
– No child ever.
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*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*
*watches myself not sleeping*
I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.
97% of scientists believe climate change is man-made and causes rising sea levels of oceans. The other 3% believe Frank Ocean is an ocean.
For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.
Dog: You stopped scratching my head? Is everything ok?!
Me: Yes, everything’s fine. I’ve been scratching your head for 15 minutes.
Dog: Problems at home?
Me:
Son: “I don’t have any clean underwear.”
Me: “Have you checked your bedroom floor?”
Son: “Yeah. All those are dirty.”
Me: ……..
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
JUDGE: We’re gonna give you 2 months in jail for the cat pyramid scheme and-
ME: [clearing my throat] Purramid scheme, your honor
LAWYERS: …….
JUDGE: On second thought, we’re going to execute you
You can pronounce it “Nude Jersey” and no one will know
My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.
Doctor: how do you stay active?
Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed
Florida’s state motto should be “hold my beer.”
Sensible dad: I’d like to buy 3 ‘fleeks’ & 7 ‘swags’ for my son.
“Sir this is Urban Outfitters”
Do you have any ‘baes’?
“Please leave”
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney you’re some big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys ppl get very upset
“My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”
And then?
“Cheese.”
Mmmm and then?
“You close the door from outside.”
*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.
Sorry, my husband really tends to frown on me dating.
“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
The “decorative soaps” in my bathroom are glazed donut holes.
Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*
“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”
“schrodinger”
who called it hell and not heaven’t
“Age is just a number”
…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account
ME: alas why must i suffer the cabbages of time
HER: you mean ‘ravages’?
ME: *eating expired coleslaw* you heard me
Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.
*slams a five on the counter*
“Bartender! Give me another!”
*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*
I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips…
The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.
I will hear no other opinions on this matter.