The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”
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waiter: is pepsi ok
pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok
Me: Like that time in Harry Potter Revenge of the Fallen when the wizard becomes a Camaro
Pal: I think you mean…
Me: Dumblebee, yes, I know what I mean. So, anyway…
Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.
*Addressing the crowd that just watched me take 23 moves to park my truck*
ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!
Wanna feel old? Of course you don’t. Have a great day.
Well, we made it 9 years, but it finally happened. Every parents’ nightmare. In the middle of the night our daughter caught us in the act, right there on the couch. Eating ice cream.
[two women sunbathing in garden]
“It’s so nice out here”
“Where’s that creepy guy who lives next door?”
HEDGE “He’s away for the weekend”
Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender
So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?
*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*
When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?
I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.
[dinner party, setting out the main]
Friend: Wow! Is this edible gold? You’re really stepping up your game!
Me, thinking about my kid’s art taped to the kitchen cupboard shedding glitter like a damn Head & Shoulders commercial: Isn’t it fancy?!
They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.
I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.
*Interrupts your meltdown*
Where do you keep the good snacks!?
Waking kids up 1st day of school: hey sweeties time to wake up I made you a frittata, fruit salad, and freshly squeezed orange juice
Waking kids up for the second day of school: EVERYBODY UP WE’RE LATE GRAB A POP TART AND GOOOOO
Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…
Boyfriend: I’m gay.
Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
OUIJA BOARD: F F S W H A T ???
Son: Have you seen my other shoe?
Welcome to Gullible Victim Club.
Lol. I can’t believe you showed up. Now gimme your purse or I’ll stab you.
If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.
It’s amazing the little things you learn about your kids as they grow everyday.
For example today I learned my 3yo is kind of a mean drunk.
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
My kids would not be sitting on this couch laughing if they knew what me and their dad did on it last night. They are gonna cry when they find out we ate all the ice cream.
Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?
Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down
Henchman: boss I need to take Thursday and Friday off
Mob Boss: ok but please have all your crimes done by Wednesday end of day
KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears
I hope that when I die I’ll say something cool like, “I’m splitsville, baby! Gone-zo!” instead of something stupid like “AAURGH”
“Schrödinger’s Second” is the time immediately after a child collides with an object where they are both hurt and not hurt until observed
This is the smartest joke I’ve ever written
When I was young I wanted to be married by 25, but now I think I’ll be married by 30 (I’m 41 for context)