Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.
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– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!
– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.
Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.
Dad: (tears in eyes) you’re going to make a fine dad someday
Son: (tears in eyes) should I make him out of wood or metal
Dad: (just bawling)
interrogator: you leave us no choice. time for good cop, jazz cop
suspect: you mean bad cop?
interrogator: no
suspect: i confess.
Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.
Though I hear their
Helpless cries
I eat
boss: you’re late
me: I broke down on the way here
boss: did they tow your car?
me: car?
You breed dogs? Don’t they do that on their own?
I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.
Huge, if true.
Miniature Donkeys escaped out of the fence and are heading to town and I’m pretty sure the damn cat orchestrated the entire plan.
Top three meanings of “I was just joking”
3. I was just joking.
2. That sounded worse than I thought it would.
1. She looks angry, abort!
What were you doing in the shower for so long?
Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain
her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?
me: it’s the little things that count
Me: Can I take a peak?
Park ranger: You mean “peek,” right?
Me: *steals the top of a mountain*
I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.
I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
*licks ice cream cone
Cone: I have a boyfriend.
If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.
Inspirational tweet.
*walks around revolving door for 3 hours while staring down at phone*
Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes
Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone
Me: that’s what cell phones are for
So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978
Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.
Doctor: Your daughter is 10.
Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.
my lawyer: deny everything
me: no
Having watched me install a yard spotlight, the kids are looking at me in what I can only assume is awe, bathed as we all are in the glow of a whole new light.
I must say, I’m as surprised at them at just how quickly the flames have spread, though.
(I am 6 months pregnant)
Me after ordering my coffee:
Stranger at Starbucks: you know you should be drinking decaf when you’re pregnant.
Me: I’m… not pregnant.
Stranger: (horrified) I am so, so sorry!
And that’s what you get for giving unsolicited advice.
Guy asked if I put him in the friend zone. I was like, whoa slow down there. I’ll have sex with you, but friendship is a serious commitment.