Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?
All of retail: No.
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A spider ran across my foot and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in a men’s Target bathroom.
hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concernedlet’s talk
ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess
ME: i sell human organs on the black market
JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more
If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge
How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird
The cartoon character I most resemble is Jessica Rabbit.
I’m kidding, it’s Betty Boop.
Okay, Hello Kitty.
Fine. Miss Piggy.
Ursula.
Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?
When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.
[In the bathroom]
Wife: I’m not going anywhere with you looking like that.
Me: Whata ya mean? Why? *looks in mirror straightens bowtie and tux*
W: We are just going to Walmart, not the Met Gala!
M: We live in an isolation world, essential shopping every 2 weeks is THE MET GALA!
me: one big skeleton please
clerk: ma’am this is a McDonald’s
me: oh sorry. One big McSkeleton please
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her once and for all that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
Mum, that’s not a picture of Jesus
Her: Sorry I’m late. I just had the most horrific experience.
Me: Oh No! Did Dorothy’s house fall on you again?
Willie Wonka: Lickable wallpaper!
Oompa Loompa #24: We’ve done that.
Willie Wonka: But this time they’re laced with antidepressants!
Veruca Salt: The snozzberries taste like… like… *sniff* like I can forgive my mother…
I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.
The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to
[Deli]
Me: can I get a children’s sub
Employee: sure thi-
Elon Musk: move over I got this
Me: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Dan from the next cubicle: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.
*weigh myself*
Hmmmm…
*weigh myself on different scales and am two pounds lighter*
Ah these are more accurate…
Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.
This man is very sweet with me. I’m calling the police
Working from home really jumps up a level when your boss texts you to ask if you saw her email yet, and you’re at TJ Maxx trying on jeans.
This is a fact based meme 😏😂
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
Wife: I think the washer went out
Me: What time will it be back?
Wife: Please get my suitcase
It’s at times like this we need to be good to ourselves:
Catch up on some sleep.
Eat your favorite foods.
Watch that boxset you’ve been putting off.
Let your kid have a beer for breakfast.
Make your dog some armor.
Witch: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
Rapunzel: … Why tho
Witch: I wanna climb the tower
Rapunzel: Have you- have you seen the news? It’s close quarters up here
Witch: C’mon I gotta talk to you
Rapunzel: Can I just drop you a Zoom link
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?