My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.
We are a joint family.
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velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
Hey everyone, welcome to Simon Says club. Please have a seat.
*sigh* Looks like we have some work to do
[I see a cute girl reading a novel]
“Hi there. I couldn’t help but notice-”
*points at book*
“That you support the murder of trees.”
him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
I lit candles & put a trail of rose petals all over the house in confusing patterns so my husband can’t find me drinking in the closet.
Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”
Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won’t go into a corn maze without a machete.
You’re playing checkers and I’m over here playing with this horsey
Got all naked, baby oiled myself up, and jumped on his desk.
Slid into the wall so hard I’m suction-cupped
reading about the new film megapolis and it said that “audrey plaza plays wow platinum and shia labeouf plays clodio pulcher” and i panicked for a second that i’d had a stroke
[dinner party]
GF: [to rich guy] So what do you do?
RICH GUY: I race horses for a living
ME: Do you ever beat them?
Parenthood is just chauffeuring a bunch of people you don’t want to chauffeur, to places you don’t want to go, at times you don’t even want to be awake, to do things you don’t want to do, for prices you damn sure can’t afford.
Wait, I thought Ionic Bond was James’s nerdy little brother.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate
This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.
Any room can be a bathroom if you hate the person who’s house you’re in.
The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.
Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco
Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar
Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?
Seen but not heard
*Seductively stripping out of clothes.
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
Me: What kind of stupid phone you got there?
Him: Windows phone
Me: Oh [takes it and lobs it out the window] Yes it is
I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..
Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”
Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?
Name 3 chains they’ve smoked
Doc: “Your arm is broken. I’ll put you in a cast for a while and it’ll recover.”
Me: “Ok, but I don’t get how being in a movie will help.”
Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
*record scratch*
Me: Yeah, that’s me. You’re probably wondering how I ended up in this situatio…
Crowd: Boooo! Damn this dj suuuuucks
I accidentally poured too much hot sauce onto my lunch and damn if my life excitement didn’t just increase tenfold
I’m not John Madden, just John Disappointeden.