detective: looks like the victim was pushed into the pond, let’s go pull him out
[ducks under the police tape]
detective: and get these ducks outta here
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ME: I heard about your wife. I’m so sorry
HIM: What do you mean, she’s right here
ME: I know, and it’s true she’s just awful
“Don’t take this wrong but…”
Me: Ima stop you right there. I hate you just the right amount.
Please don’t ruin it.
Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.
Cop: step out of the car please
Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes
Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?
Maybe Tailgate wants to be banged. Did you ask? You don’t know.
My daughter just told me I’m giving her gray hairs and ran for her stress ball so I think I’m finally nailing this whole parenting thing.
[wife walking in the door after work]
WIFE: I had just had the worst… why are our kids in the dog cage?
ME: a hello would be nice.
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this
Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers
DID YOU KNOW: If you don’t eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?
Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…
(whispers) boop your nose?
*raises hand* is it bc of the gravity
*Licking my plate clean
Girlfriend)You still have to wash that
Me)This house is a prison
I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed
My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.
6-year-old: What if dementors attack our house?
Me: They can’t get in.
6: Why not?
Me: My patronus is a screaming toddler.
Follow your dreams
Eat that cake
Skip the ads
Cut your own hair
Dye it too
Go on the run
Dance in moonlight
Hold your loved one close
Closer
Steal their soul
Offer it to Cthulhu
Write a children’s book
Illustrate it too
Love yourself
Imagine
Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.
Me: Touché.
You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok
Unable to stop their phones and washing machines from exploding, Samsung announced today they’re changing their name to the ACME Corp.
Life Lessons From Cats:
• take more naps
• rules were meant to be broken
• it’s okay to hide when you’re scared
• always demand respect
• if you have an itch, scratch it
• find joy in the simple things
• you can bury your shit but eventually someone’s gonna find it
Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.
I drink because it’s difficult to eat alcohol.
My daughter just asked for nunchucks for her 12th birthday. Have to say, I’m 50% proud, 30% amused and 100% terrified.
Other parents might understand this fear, I woke up to a text from my daughter that she sent at 12:32am
Daughter-you awake?
Me: (5 hours later) I just saw this, omg are you ok?
Daughter: oh yea I’m ok, I just wanted to know your potato salad recipe.
We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.
The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn’t leave the oven on.