YOU CAN ORDER AN AIR HORN ON AMAZON AND BRING THE FIGHT DIRECTLY TO THE GEESE.
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Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.
Am I a decent cook who can turn out a killer meal? yes
Will you sometimes still find paper from the stick of butter in my pan? also yes
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog:
Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something
[inventor of edible arrangements] sorry for your loss, but you look like you enjoy throwing fruit away
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
Sure, it starts off with orcas destroying boats, Next thing you know, they’re chasing my Chevy Spark down I-44.
The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
So I put one (1) ancient mummified corpse in a tub of water to see if it would rehydrate into a zombie, and now I’m some kind of weirdo? OK, whatever. Halloween is gonna suck this year, and that’s on you.
Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?
When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been
I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round
But is it really??
me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.
friend: what happened?
me: it got stuck in a tree.
Me typing: univrsity
Autocorrect: Hey I caught a typo.
Me: Haha oops.
Autocorrect: You meant to say “U never city”
Me: Why would I say that?
Autocorrect: I fixed it and sent it to your dad.
I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.
Don’t know what this myth is about cell usage blowing up a gas pump. I’m filling my tank right now. See? It’s no big de
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
*group chat*
Fellas, I think it’s time. I think I’m finally ready to be a dad.
[Tamagotchi has requested to join the chat]
ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater
God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?
Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad
Why do they call it “a crystal meth addiction” and not “methamaddicts?”
“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.
me: [receives unexpected money] omg i can’t wait to finally get stuff i’ve wanted
my house: what’s this about extra money?
My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.
Here’s a little song about post-Christmas cleanup it’s called “Where the Hell Are We Going to Put All This Shit” and a one and a two
Despite what they tell you, my kids love playing the games I make up, like “where did mommy put her keys this time” and “who can spot mommy’s cell phone”
the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps
I think more men would go to therapy if it was competitive. “Fourteen points in healthier communication? Yes! Eat my dust, Kyle! You emotionally unavailable loser!”