Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.
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We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.
Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.
I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.
♫ Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be… ♫
Wait, hang on…my bad, those are vultures.
Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
He was like, ‘We’re all slowly dying’
So I was like, ‘WRONG’
and I threw him in front of a moving bus.
I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.
Doctor: When he wakes from this coma, we don’t know if he’ll be the same or have brain damage
Me *opening eyes* gonna buy a duck and call it Dan Quackroyd
Doctor: Oh no
Wife: Oh shit he’s the same
My family said if I don’t get a Facebook, they’d all get a Twitter
I sacrificed myself for all of twitter kind
I’m the Jesus of social media
I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”
If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?
Nancy Drew and the mystery of is this water or pee
– book #1 of parent series
All of these jokes are gonna be a lot less funny when I die of laundry.
My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.
What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?
When a client says “I know people who can charge less”. Smile & respond “I know clients who can pay more.
Life is fair, people are not.
next time i’m opening up to someone is my autopsy
@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered
Kindergarten, day two.
Me: Who did you play with at recess?
Daughter: One of my best friends. I don’t remember her name.
My Mom keeps warning me about talking to strangers on the Internet.
I’m 34 now Mom. I don’t talk to them. I sleep with them.
back in the day nobody sent birthday messages, you had to mail out party invites and wait 3 weeks to discover 80% of your friends hate your guts
Yog see woman
Yog ask woman out
Yog go on date
Yog fall in love
Yog act like an idiot
Yog get dumped
Yoghurt.
Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.
Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!
– Toddlers
my depression: I’m sad
my anxiety: but why now I’m worried
my depression: nothing to worry about I’m sad for no reason
my anxiety: oh cool but honestly I was just gonna worry anyway
Him: A friend told me she had feelings for me but I had to tell her I had a TC and was very much in love. I know it hurt her but I couldn’t ever betray my girl.
Wife:
[reading The Night Before Christmas]
son: what’s a kerchief?
daughter: what’s a clatter?
son: what’s a sash?
daughter: what are coursers?
son: what’s soot?
daughter: what’s a peddler?
son: what’s a thistle?
me: *closing book* Santa is fake. It’s all fake. Goodnight.
TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade
When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.
Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.