My seven year old just said, “I kinda want to experience being a dad but I kinda don’t want to get married” Should I ask him more questions.
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I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.
It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis
[sitting in dentist’s chair]
Dentist: get out of my living room
My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.
I meant to tell a flight attendant I needed a lavatory but I said laboratory instead, and that’s how I got strip searched at 35K feet.
Before I drop my kids off at school, I ask if they’re ready to be yeeted out of the car, and they all start chanting, “YEET, YEET YEET…” So yeah… pretty sure I’ve peaked.
I got mom shamed for giving my kid a chicken nugget like there are way worse things I do to my kids I promise you they won’t be telling their therapist about the chicken nuggets
Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.
EVERYONE ELSE: i am terrified of the state of democracy in our nation
ME: digimon is short for digital monsters
I like my women like I like my donuts: round and drowned in coffee.
i wanna see the masterchef jr deleted scenes that HAVE to exist of gordon ramsay calling a kid the c-word for trying to julienne a snickers
Sandal was upset at the vet yesterday, because nothing bad has ever happened to him so he thinks being weighed is a war crime, and the technician kept trying to soothe him by saying ” awww, pobrecita chancleta” (literally, “poor little flip-flop”). he’s never living this down
my little sister is staying home for her first semester of college so i’m gonna puke in her shower and set off the fire alarm at 3am so she can get the true freshman year dorm experience
6 – Dad, why can’t you give princess Elsa a balloon to hold 🎈
Me – Why?
6 – Because she will “Let It Go” 😂
Me – 😢
[friend consoling me through bad break up]
“You need to eat, Luke. You can’t just sit there”
*i start crying more*
Karen & I used to eat
Waiter: can I take your order?
Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT
Did my cat write this
Pat is about to own someone
The first time I tried to repair one of my kids toys, I thought it was important that they stand back a bit, and verily, I say unto you, it was from there that they watched me superglue the skylander to my hand.
mathematically impossible
This day in history. 1967. Ed Sullivan made the Rolling Stones change the lyric “Let’s spend the night together” to the more family friendly “Let’s go back to my place boink boink boinkity-boink.”
I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”
“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.
Doctor: The surgery was a success and your husband should wake up in a few hours.
My wife: I thought you said this surgery didn’t require for him to be unconscious?
Doctor: It didn’t but he started talking and-
My wife: I understand.
Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes
“911 what’s your emergency?” MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! “Okay. I’ll send the police” *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY “AT MARIOKART”
Me: *flirts*
Anyone watching:
I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns
It’s curious how kids are always *really* hungry right before dinner and right after dinner, but never during actual dinner.
Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.