I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time
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I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.
friend: i want a bf
me: i want to hold the reins of 2 equally powerful, beautiful horses who run w/perfectly matched paces & also respect me
People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019
The orthodontist says I’m doing a “super job” wearing my retainers. All this really means is that I’m able to put things in my mouth.
I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.
A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house
Diarrhea awareness week starts today. Runs through Sunday.
Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please
DEATH: You’re grounded! Get back here!
DEATH’S DAUGHTER: Whatever. *gets on motorcycle, zooms across tightrope*
DEATH: HOW DARE YOU DEFY ME!
Good news, people in 3rd world countries, suffering inexplicable hardships- Amy from fb says god won’t give you more than you can handle.
Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours
her: go on, thrust your fist in deep enough to make the eyes spin
me: I never realised ventriloquism school would be so hard
I just *puff* completed a [leans on wall to steady myself] 5km run in *puff* 30 minutes for the [wipes bucket of sweat from face] first time ever [adds “fit” to bio before collapsing]
PATIENT: How tough was medical school for a dog like you?
DR DOG: *thinking back on all the homework he ate* It wasn’t easy
ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip
#damn
“Of course the water feels harder at higher speeds. The molecules have to separate.”
[You wish the chemist to whom you are married watched the Olympic diving trials just for the pretty girls. But when do you ever get what you want?]
Him: Who sings American Woman?
Me: Guess Who.
Him: Lenny Kravitz?
Me: Guess Who did it first.
Him: I don’t know.
Me: Guess Who.
Him: …
Another impossible beauty standard for women to live up to
I told my kid what we’re having for dinner, and she replied, “Man, I just can’t win today.” She turned into a 47-year-old guy with a mortgage and lower back pain right before my eyes.
The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.
[at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn
Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks
Seems legit
[Arranging a date]
Her: OK how does 4 o’clock sound?
Him: [Through megaphone] DONG DONG DONG DONG
My kid just announced that when he’s a grown up he’s going to go to the ice cream shop every day, and now I want to be a grown up too
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
My standards in my 20’s- brooding & poetic
30’s tall, nice smile, secure job
40’s – hmm I bet that shouty homeless guy would clean up nice
My 5 year old is looking all over the house for his drumsticks but he won’t have any luck finding them without a shovel.
lmao i’m in boston and you’re telling me they really talk like this??? i thought everyone was just doing a bit to make fun of mark wahlberg