It should be a rule that if you’re going to put you kid on a leash, you can’t be mad if someone walks up, asks if they bite, and pets them
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Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.
Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.
boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go
me: you’re cancelling me?
boss: I mean, we’re firing you??
me: wow… so this is what cancel culture feels like on the other side
boss: you stabbed Gary in the parking lot after his shift
My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”
I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…
My 5yo “cleaned” the house today… she started in the bathroom, with the toilet, and then proceeded to wipe down every inch of the house, including doorknobs, with the same towel.
If that’s not the best analogy for quarantine with kids, I don’t know what is.
I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.
HER: I love classic rock
ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon
5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?
Me: It does now.
*finds another dead plant on patio*
[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!
So I listened to some LL Cool J then kept licking my lips like he does. I found myself in HR. Good thing I wasn’t listening to KISS.
[in bathroom stall]
Me: …
Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall
Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.
a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down
Searched my teens room for drugs, was told “you don’t give me enough money for drugs.” I don’t know whether to be proud or up his allowance.
CEO: It’s got wheels
Inventor: It’s the best we could do
CEO: You had 30 yrs
I:
CEO: Put “may not hover” on the box and get out of my sight
Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*
Boss: stop damaging the office walls!
im not a morning person. in the morning i am a goat
I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.
A ghost story
[proposing to my Karate gf]
Me: So, will you marry me?
Her: I’m not sure….
Me: Dojo breakin’ my heart, LOL
Her: Now I’m sure it’s a no.
the most efective way to clean ur room, start a creative project, run errands, cook, brush ur teeth and take a shower is to study for a exam
*scrolls ur TL*
*finds ur tweet from 2 yrs ago.*
*eerily similar to mine from day before*“She stole my tweet AND built a time machine?!”
I’m never quite sure when to lean in for a kiss after a job interview.
[At bar]
*all sweaty after doing the worm*
Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?
Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.
6. me as a lawyer
me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?
WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?
ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best
W: How long until they go to bed?
ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds
I used to have dreams.
Now I have Doritos.
Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter