fleetwood mac implies the existence of fleetwood dennis, fleetwood charlie, fleetwood dee, and fleetwood frank
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What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.
Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost
Instead of Wordle, I call it Word Without Friends.
netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever
Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!
I farted in the Apple Store on Black Friday and everyone got angry at me…
It’s not my fault they don’t have Windows.*I’ll show myself out*
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: I use bad words
Interviewer: *laughing* that’s okay, we’re pretty tolerant around here
Me: well that’s extrusively marblous to hear
That depressing moment when you pull up to work and the building is not engulfed in flames.
[Sloth Job Interview]
Sloth Boss: How would you describe yourself?
*2 hours later*
Sloth Interviewee: Quick-thinking.
[first day on bomb squad]
blue red yada yada yada i get the gist
[blind date]
Me: Oooh here she comes. Ok fella act cool. YOU GOT THIS
Her: Hi, I’m Linda
Me: *nose-whistles Despacito in its entirety*
Me: I could survive in the wild.
Wife: It took you 9 minutes to open a bag of chips.
Hopefully wild game isn’t wrapped in plastic.
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
*carpools to work*
Damnit Karen can you just match the windshield wiper setting to the frequency of raindrops
“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
Dog: I will guard you with my life!
Cat: What was your name again?
“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”
-Floss
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*
The universe is so mysterious
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
Nobody:
Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”
We arrived at our holiday cottage which is near several other holiday cottages and within 5 minutes a lady from another cottage came to say hi and chatted for a while and now we have to leave the holiday cottage and stay in the woods where no other people will ever find us
you know a tweet’s gotten spread around when random catholics get mad at you “PLEASE DON’T GO TO MASS IF YOU’RE NOT CATHOLIC” my..my wife wanted me to go, you turkey, catholic mass is not my go-to choice for a FUN NIGHT OUT
Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace
I got ill after borrowing a colleague’s leather bag. The test results showed I’d picked up a satchelly transmitted disease.
“How is there a sink full of dirty dishes? I just washed them yesterday.”
—My 10-year-old learning a tough life lesson
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING