Ostrich: OMG SOMEONE KILLED MY DAD
PLS HELP HE’S BEEN DECAPI- …wait911: *sigh* did he have –
Ostrich: he had his head in the sand again
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ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]
WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?
Will I understand Charles III if I haven’t seen Charles I or II
Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime
[scene of car accident]
bystander: is your baby ok
me: no he’s a complete jerk
acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog
INTERVIEWER: what do you consider your greatest strength
ME: …
INTERVIEWER: …
ME (38 minutes later): I’d say promptness
I don’t care how old I am, the first thing I’ll always do when I get to my parent’s house is checking out what’s in the fridge.
Establish dominance at work by telling your coworkers they look tired before they get a chance to say it to you
Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.
oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?
Me: *revving chainsaw*
Therapist: No.
First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “Leg day at the gym.”
Cat: I think i have a rash.
Doctor Dog: WE SHOULD AMPUTATE YOUR HEAD
When people in movies get fired, they all have that one little box with a framed picture on top. You worked there for 17 years, why don’t you have more stuff?
Pffft. Call me when you can cut the sexual tension with a spoon.
The writer is someone who decides school wasn’t enough homework and they actually need homework for the rest of their lives
[Testing Cat-Human Translator]
Scientist: Cat, what is your name?
Cat: I AM KANG THE DESTROYER
Owner: It’s not working. His name is Socks.
[Death Row]
GUARD: last requests?
INMATE: a little heroin would be nice
TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*
INMATE: I meant the drug stupid
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
[Screams into a dark wishing well]
“I want my coins back!”
Allen: I’ll never talk
Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that
twice now the building diva has stormed off angrily after i spoke up in defense of myself, she gets one more, then i unhinge my jaw and finish her.
When your prospective father-in-law asks:”Why do you ask for my daughters hand in marriage?”
Do NOT say:”Because I am tired of using my own”
I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.
we’re dead?
“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat
I’m behind 38 episodes of Game of Thrones. I’ll just jump in the new season and piece it all together. Should be fine.
[creating seals]
Angel: It’s been a long day, how about just one more thing?
God: Give that dog a wetsuit & lets go the pub.
People don’t realize that Ikea catalogs are also a book of baby names. Anyway, I’m late to take FLÄRDFULL and ÖDMJUK on their play date.