[High School Reunion]
Me: Those were the days, right?
Mrs. Miller: You left out Thursday that time.
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a BIG dipper ? in this astronomy ?
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)PRINT
Printer)No
Me)PRINT!!!
Printer)Here’s 8,000
A haunted house but for awkward interactions. Someone pops out at you and you’re like “nice to meet you” and they’re like “haha actually we’ve already met”
A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit
I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off
Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.
F: The eyes on those dolls freak me out. I wish you’d get rid of them.
Next day
F *screams*
I meant get rid of the dolls not their eyes.
In 6th grade I had an ugly pimple on my nose that left a scar and I told my friend I got bitten by a spider…dude called me Batman because he didn’t know shit about comics
[first day as homicide detective]
Cop: any signs of forced entry?
Me: yeah, a bullet somehow forced its way through his face & into his head
Going to be the corpse found at the lowest elevation of Everest ever, like by the parking lot
Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.
old timey fellow: i say have you addressed your pants falling down problem?
inventor of suspenders: indeed good sir i’ve hung them from my shoulders.
*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*
it’s really cute when pets sigh. like what ails u lil buddy
I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
therapist: and what is it about this generation that bothers you?
satan: i give them the intro tour and they just say shit like “ooo spooky lol”
therapist: that’s not so bad
satan: when i showed one girl the pit of everlasting flame, she sighed and said “big mood”
Worth the read.
When parents say to kids “go to ur room & think about what you’ve done” it’s really good practice for what you’ll do every night as an adult
I’m a Brit, you’re Canadian. Please don’t thank me for thanking you, I’ll only feel compelled to thank you back and before you know it we’ll have been at it all night.
Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.
How about daylight saves us for once
Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.
“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker
Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury Foreman: Well…I guess I just look right at him. Why — isn’t that how you do it?
Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.
The fastest animal in Canada is probably the vaMoose.
Are there people that are so into beating dead horses that we had to create an idiom to discourage them from doing so?
ME: let’s do some lines do you have a dollar bill?
GUY: *pulls out wallet to reveal a badge* bad news buddy
ME: yeah you can’t snort anything with that