My EarPods died 5 minutes into my walk so I’m going home to watch TV. It was a sign. Exercise is stupid.
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The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes
Netflix: Ok tell me one thing that happened in the last episode
Me: What?
Netflix: The guy with the mustache, what’s his name?
Me: Why are you being like this?
Netflix: *sadly* You’re always on that damn phone
support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas
THERAPIST: are you still using euphemisms to get friends to go jogging
ME: no one ever wants to have the runs with me
Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.
[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]
14: it smells like chores in here
Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.
Customer: I’ll have the jumbo shrimp
Me (first day as a waiter): just the one?
Customer (first day as a customer): I bet it’s gigantic!
Relationship advice:
Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.
I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”
It doesn’t have to be a plane crash. If we’re stuck in traffic I’ll seriously consider eating the Uber driver.
I don’t even like sleep, it’s just the only way I can eat spiders
My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…
NEVER LET THE PUBLIC NAME STUFF.
I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh
When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.
Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.
Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.
I think this cat is broken
I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.
Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.
*wipes prints off microwave handle*
Guy on Tinder: I speak 12 languages
Me:
Guy on Tinder: I made my niece a yacht out of chewing gum, balsa wood, and macaroni
Me: *plays the kazoo perfectly with my left nostril
Police Sketch Artist: We need to get his face out there ASAP. I’m going to need you to describe him to me.
Me: He looked like the type of person who wouldn’t be ashamed to ride a tricycle in public.
Police Sketch Artist: *pencil poised* Um…
Me: That’s all I got my man.
There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.
“who hurt you” myself bro, I make horrible decisions
With Girls Gone Wild bankrupt wild girls no longer have a home. Many of them will be put down. Please. Adopt a wild girl. Before she’s gone.
Parenting is weird because you find yourself saying things like: that was a cute story but you know if you ever meet a real bear with a toothache you shouldn’t try to help it, right?
What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat
What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!