Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*
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.@LAPD My wife made hazelnut “coffee” with my coffee maker. Send all available units.
ISAAC NEWTON: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at his feet* i have just discovered gravity
ME: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at my feet* i have just discovered fruit by the foot
My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)
an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.
At the grocery store and forgot my wife’s list, but no worries I’m sure there’s another dad here that I can copy off of.
I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch
Me: What’s the point if it’s not a little violent, dirty? I wanna feel alive. The blood makes me feel ALIVE.
Dentist: Please just floss more
her: wow your armpit is really big
me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer
trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song
Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
I almost accused a 10 yr old of stealing my dance moves but it turns out he just really had to go to the bathroom & didn’t know where it was
Wife: our toddler just hit me.
Me: hell no! I’m gonna teach her a lesson in manners.
[later]
Me: manners origins date back to the 1700’s and the French word etiquette, which is all about socia-
Daughter: I’m sorry.
Me: please don’t interrupt we have 320 yrs to get through.
Best friend, helping me dig a hole: so tell me again what happened?
Me: he came home to me sitting on the couch after I spent the entire day cleaning the house and said, ‘you’re just where I left you.’
if i was a killer who escaped around halloween, i would consider hiding around a haunted carnival that was largely populated by unassuming teenagers.
“holy crap….um guys?!” – the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon
They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.
“…and this is my beautiful boy, Jason.”
Coworker: Jason, huh? Where’d u get a name like that?
Boss: Jafather, can I see u in my office?
The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter…..
Jumped over a puddle with an accidentally flamboyant step today, if anyone’s currently casting a production of “West Side Story.”
“You should only have to tell them once”
– People with no children
imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in
Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.
I get now why they call it being a cougar bc to get my recommended daily protein I gotta take down an elk
me: i wanna see how high this cliff is
Charles Darwin: ok, go ahead
me: ill jump off and you count how long im in the air
Charles Darwin: wait but that could ki-
me: what
Charles Darwin:
me: that could what Charles
[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there
pretty disappointing remote islands don’t control other islands.
For a brief period, cats delivered mail in Belgium. During the 1970s, the city of Liège “hired” 37 cats to deliver mail in waterproof bags. As expected, the cats weren’t effective mailmen.
Kid: why do cookies look so happy?
Me: idk…maybe cuz they’re baked
Kid: I wanna get baked
Me: me too kid… me too
9YO: What will we be watching for the the family movie night
Me: Hang on, give me a…
7YO *sighs*: … We’ll be watching daddy play 24 trailers and then fall asleep